KAOS Closes After Just 7 Months of Operations - EDM.com

Continuing… (It's Part 6 in the saga, I fucked up. Sorry.)
So, after a few re-fueling and impromptu cigar-purchasing stops in South and Central America, we wheel up to the deserted jetway at LAX.
“Thought we were going to Elmendorf?” I asked.
“This isn’t it?” the pilot replied, feigning worry.
“No.”, I replied, “Looks like California. Fruits and nuts. All around. What’s going on? One minute we’re off to Texas, then Cali, then Texas again, now we end up here at the California airport of the iconic tower.”
“Yeah, it’s confusing enough haulin’ civilians around. But when we get a call from Virginia, we tend to comply without any questions,” the pilot explains.
“Aw, shit!”, I sort of exclaim, “Rack and Ruin called?”
“Yeah”, the pilot replies, “Figures you’d know these guys. They said they were closer to LAX rather than Texas and had us divert here. In fact, you look over there, see that dark blue Chevy? That’s them; and evidently, your ride.”
I tipped the airman from earlier a couple of cigars as he helped me with my gear off the plane and into the trunk of Rack and Ruin’s plain-Jane blue late modeled Chevy. Had to move the Sidewinder Missiles off to one side, though.
“Most honorable Agents Lack and Luin!” I quipped in my faux-racist greeting. “What the hell, guys? I’ve got to get to Japan and get some newly rigidified digits.”
“Let’s see your hand”, Agent Rack asks. “Nasty.”
“Yeah”, I sigh “And with the medicos in South America and their penchant for plaster, I don’t so much have a left hand as more of an ankylosaur tail.”
“Or Thagomizer”, Agent Ruin tittered. “Anyone gives you grief, and one upside the head should set them right. Or dead.”
“You’re a riot, Ruin.” I replied, “But not entirely incorrect.”
We all agreed that I really didn’t need any extra accouterments to make myself look more dangerous. I mean with my severe haircut, stern beard clip, and perpetual ‘Go fuck yourself’ scowl.
“Yeah”, I replied, stroking the aforementioned beard, “I just can’t get that. I’m such a people person.”
After Agents Rack and Ruin finished drying their eyes from laughing what I thought was en extremis, we finally got down to business.
“So, what’s the skinny, guys”, I asked. “New marching orders?”
“No. Not as such”, Agent Ruin said, still sniggering over my ‘people person’ comment.
I see we’re moving. Agent Rack is just driving casually, like Chewbacca when they were waiting to see if the Empire went for that expensive Bothan code.
“Then, what?” I asked, getting a slight bit piqued.
“Well”, Agent Ruin noted, “When you went to South America, you took some of your artillery collection with, correct?”
“You know I did. You even made some snide comments about my personal choice of sidearms and their ‘excessive’ calibers, if memory serves”, I reiterated.
“And if you are proceeding normally, as you always do, they’re all nestled in the trunk of this very car. All cleaned, quiet, unloaded, and smelling sweetly of Hoppe’s Number 9 and WD 40, correct?” Rack inquired.
“Yes?” I cautiously venture.
“Well, ya’ big dummy, do you think they’re going to let you saunter into Tokyo armed like the Third Fleet?” Agent Ruin chuckled.
“Um…well…I do have a Diplomatic Passport.” I ventured.
“That’s not going to work this time.”, Agent Ruin said, shaking his head. “They’re tighter than Dick’s Hatband about sidearms. Want to bring in your Rigby SXS .500 Nitro Express double rifle? Not a problem. Sidearms, especially in your alien hunting calibers, nope.”
Well, that’s just….*dandy!”, I reply, semi-put out. “Now what the hell am I going to do?”
“Ever think that’s why Ruin and I are here, now?”, Rack asks.
“And here I thought it was just so you could bask in the warm glow of my fucking wonderful personality. Or that you actually cared about me as a real goddamn human”, I joshed.
“Ummm…yeah”, Rack replies, “There’s no way we can answer that without going on some Deadpool list. “
I agreed.
“OK, here’s the deal: you get your sidearms, ammunition, speed loaders, brass knuckles, Asp, laser range finders, Sap, Zeiss scopes, Kukri, Wisconsin Cheese Whittler, Buck folding skinner, Marine K-Bar, those two ultra-illegal Cheburkov Cobra titanium switchblades...”
“Three. Olga the KGB lady sent me one for Geologist’s Day.”
“Ahem. Those three ultra-illegal Cheburkov switchblades, that Wyoming Speedholer, your MASER Time-Distance Computer, garrote, pocket rail gun and whatever else lethal you carry and deposit it in the iron box in the trunk. We’ll ensure that it’s delivered to Esme post-haste. And by post-haste I mean one of our guys will deliver it personally.”
“Well…I suppose”, I conceded, “But best send someone who’s been to the house recently. I don’t know how much bigger Khan has grown since I left on this little fantasy trip. Wouldn’t want a star on the wall in Langley for someone eaten by a mastiff. Want to see a picture….Oh, bother. That’s right. My phone’s at the bottom of fucking Lake Maracaibo.”
“Good point”, Ruin interjects, “Guess we’ll do a little road trip and deliver it ourselves. Best call Esme and let her know what’s going on.”
“I have no objections to your proposals. Please give Esme this when you see her. I had some luck in the Calaveras Casino and if I don’t send her some mad money. Ouch. She’ll never forgive me for not taking her along to Japan.” I asked.
“But I thought Esme hated Japan? Too crowded and too ‘fussy’, I believe was her estimation.” Ruin asked.
“Yes, but once she saw the Ginza, all bets were off. Shopping the likes of which even Allah himself hasn’t seen.” I replied, slowly shaking my head.
“I see”, Ruin said, “Well, since you’re off to Sapporo, perhaps you can do a recon for Esme on the shopping there.”
“Not bad. Not bad at all.”, I smiled, “Now I know why I let you guys hang around with me.”
So, as advertised, I am now standing on the tarmac at LAX, basically feeling naked.
“Can’t I keep just one switchblade?” I moaned to Agent Rack.
“Go ahead, if you’re really keen on donating it to Japanese customs”, he replied.
“Fuckbuckets.” I groused.
“There, there now. That’s the usual Dr. Rocknocker of which we’re all so fond.” Agent Ruin chuckled.
“Remember, you do have that wallet-sized credit card gizmo from the Company. So you’re not entirely ‘naked’. Think of it as an emergency breechcloth.” He smiled.
“I’d like a larger model if you don’t mind. It’s chilly out here.” I joshed.
After Agents Rack and Ruin stripped me metaphorically naked as they de-weaponized me, they handed me a Business Class ticket to Tokyo, and a pass to the Japan Airlines Hospitality Suite and Lounge.
“So sorry you guys can’t hang around and have a few farewell snorts”, I chided, “But you’ve got a bit of a drive, so best be off before the weather turns to shit.”
“Who says we’re driving?” Agent Rack asked as he hooked a thumb over his shoulder at the ready and waiting C-130 cargo plane currently taxiing slowly in our direction.
“Well, in that case”, I smiled even more broadly, “Let’s invite the flight crew to join us. That’ll make the flight home all that much more interesting.”
After near tear-jerking farewell sentimentalities, i.e., “Piss on you”, “Get stuffed” and “Take a fuckin’ hike”; Agents Rack and Ruin, my weapons and the Agency’s plain-Jane Blue Chevy were all nestled snugger than buggers in ruggers in the belly of the thundering C-130.
Now truly on my own, I trudge the hundred thousand or so centisteps to my departure terminal, make a quick recon that my flight’s still slated to go in a generally westward direction, and hightail it to the nearest courtesy desk to ask for a motorized cart to take me and my remaining luggage to the JAL Hospitality Suite.
Hey. I’m old, infirm, and currently among the walking wounded.
Anyone that disagrees risks an Ankylosaur tail club swat or Thagomizer to the skull.
Finally ensconced in the JAL Hospitality Suite, Polo Lounge of course; I was drinking Tokyo Teas (3 oz. vodka, 2 oz. gin, 2 oz. rum, 1 oz. triple sec, 1 oz. Midori, good splash of lime juice, a slight splash of 7-Up (diet, of course), over ice with a lime wheel) with Pabst Blue Ribbon Extra 1844 chasers and Hangar One’s “Fog Point” vodka on the side, hiding from the brutish realities of this foul year of two thousand and twenty-something, Common Era…
I’ve already called Esme and we’ve had a good, long chat. She still managed to give me her shopping list for whenever I find myself bored on the Ginza.
She’ll be shocked when she learns that I’m not going to be in Tokyo long, but have 1st class tickets on the Bullet Train to Sapporo. Still, I’ll probably find myself in Pole Town or the Stellar Place there, trading piles of US greenbacks for locally produced Japanese curios and clothing.
I can hardly wait.
I order another round of drinks, as the wonderful attendants in the Hospitality Suite were bored out of their skulls because of the COVID-induced drop-in customers flying anywhere that requires a hospitality room stay, and I was virtually the only one around. They tried their level best to outdo each other when it comes to Japanese efficiency and friendliness.
After a couple of hours, they ask if I would like something from the grill, as the day chef had “the COVID” and the night chef just arrived. A quick perusal of the menu and I chose a 28-ounce dry-aged Porterhouse and another round of drinks.
I usually don’t like to eat too much before I fly, but JAL tells me the flight is going to be virtually empty, something like <121 pax, all told, so restroom availability shouldn’t be too much of a concern.
Plus, who am I to say no to a free, blue 28-ounce dry-aged Porterhouse?
There was a bit of difficulty conveying to the chef through the intermediaries of the hospitality just how I wanted my steak.
“Blue,” I said.
“Brue?” was the reply.
“Rare. Very, very rare.” I continued.
Look of total bewilderment.
I drag out my Personal Language Pro, speak “Steak, very, very rate” into the infernal gizmo, and hand the contraption to the attendant.
“珍しい、非常に珍しいステーキ?”[ Mezurashī, hijō ni mezurashī sutēki?]
“Raw! Nama!” I say, louder than need be.
They toddle off to find the chef.
“How is it sir, that you would like your steak cooked?” he asks.
“Very rare. Just a minute or two per side. Inside still cold.” I instructed.
All I got for the trouble was a puzzled smile.
“Give me the language gizmo…” I type in a few words…
“お尻を洗い、角をノックオフして、ここから出してください”
[O shiri o arai,-kaku o nokkuofu shite, koko kara dashite kudasai.]
“Wash its ass, knock its horns off, and walk it out here.”
“OH!” as the lightbulb pops. “Rare. Got it! Excellent!” the chef laughs and zips back to the kitchen.
Like I always say, I’m nothing if not the international ambassador of amity and goodwill.
“Crack tubes!”
Dinner was fantastic. I do wish I could have somehow mailed the Porterhouse bone back home for Khan. After that hambone incident, he might even taste it.
Finally on the plane, in an almost empty Business Class, the flight captain informs us that we’re headed to Haneda Airport Tokyo and anyone not headed in that direction better ‘haul ass off’ the flight or forever hold their peace.
Late-night international flights tend to be a bit more wooly than your average Chicago to Omaha gig.
Especially when the flight’s damn near empty and we have the next 12 hours or so to be best friends.
We taxi, turn and head into the wind. I’m doctoring up a couple of dossiers and keeping my personal cabin attendant, Luna since there were two of us in Business and two business flight attendants, busy with her trying to play ‘Stump the Geologist’.
“I’ll bet you never had this before.” She beamed and handed me a tumbler of very dangerous-looking brown liquor.
I cautiously sniff, take a modest gulp, swirl and glug the rest down.
“Ohishi Single Sherry Cask”, I say with a muffled belch. “Light. Fruity. An Englishman’s drink.”
“Oh. You knew. Let me try again.” She smiles beatifically.
“I have no objections to your proposal.” I smile as nicely as this crotchety old Komodo Dragon could.
She returns with another flagon of spirits; it smells of obsidian, leather, and earth.
I just had some of this back in LAX. I take a snort, smile, and shotgun the rest.
“Hibiki Japanese Harmony…lovely stuff.” I smile. “A little light for my jaded palate, but I’d never turn it down if it were free.”
“Oh, you win again. Wait. One more.” She smiles and skitters off to the galley.
She returns with another soupçon of some more dangerous brown liquor.
“Here, try this. It will make you very popular at social gatherings”. She smiles.
Sniff. “Splendid.” Snort. Swirl. Smile. Shotgun.
“Kanosuke New Born, if I’m not mistaken.” I smile back. “Very nice. I really do like this one.”
“You too good at this. One more!” she stands and stomps off defiantly. She returns in a trice and hands me the glass.
“Hmm…brown. Light notes of earth, leather, dating your daughter, and Kentucky…
“Beam Suntory, right?”
“You know them all!” she says, feigning irritation.
“And I thank you. Those were all excellent. Now, anything in the dangerous clear liquor category? I asked.
Luna smiled as I palmed off a 20k yen tip.
“Oh, no sir. Wait until we land.” She demurred, referring to the gratuity; which is know is not de rigueur in the Orient, but she didn’t seem to mind.
“Just in case we never make it to Tokyo”, I laughed, unknowingly presciently.
We both chuckled about that last line as she tried out various sakes and shōchūs and an actual Japanese ‘White Liquor’ (ホワイトリカー), which were all excellent as was the company.
I tell her that I need to get some work done and could she bring me a tall Rocknocker. After explain the origins and construction of the eponymous drink, she brings me one that must tip the scales at 1 or so liters.
She settles down to an empty seat and I get after the work that I need to finish before we land. I’m about ½ way through my drink when it felt as if the plane hit a brick wall. She quivered and quaked and clutched at herself while I made some comments about the pilot’s mental health.
We dropped like a paralyzed falcon, then just as suddenly, felt like it was an express elevator to Angel’s 11. The plane bucked and shimmied, wickedly. Then we slam-danced right and fell a few more stories. It was like we were in a Mixmaster and the owner was trying out every speed.
The emergency lights in the 777-300ER popped on, and the fasten seat belt sign barked loudly so even sleeping travelers could enjoy the show.
Rinse. Spin. Shudder. Repeat.
Finally, the ride smooths out and we hear the captain on the blower.
“This is your captain speaking…ah, we seem to have hit some uncharted turbulence back there.”
“Thanks, Captain Obvious”, I muttered.
“Everything’s A-OK. “ he reports.
“That’s good”, I note.
“But…”
“There’s always the but…” I groan.
“…we have a couple of warning lights for which we can’t quite account. So to just be safe and certain, we’re going to divert to Hawaii, get a clean bill of health and resume this flight once we make sure everything here is hunky-dory.”
There were scattered groans and applause. Add them together and divide by two and the average response on the flight was “Meh. Whatever.”
Except for the other guy in Business, with whom I hadn’t shared two words. He began to absolutely lose his shit.
“Oh, man! We’re so screwed! Mechanical malfunction? What does that mean?” he positively fizzed with fear.
The flight attendants tried to calm him down, to no avail. They basically gave up and said they’d report his misgivings to the Captain.
I motioned over to my personal flight attendant, Luna, and asked if I could be of service.
“Oh, Doctor Rock”, she smiled at me, “If you could speak with him. You are so calm, and he is…”
“Losing his bloody mind”, I chuckled as I finished her sentence for her. “Of course, I’ll take a stab at it.”
So, I grab my drink and ease over to my Business Class partner and introduce myself.
“Hey, pal. How’s it going? I’m Dr. Rock, gentleman, scholar, and connoisseur of cigars and things alcoholic. You doing OK?”
He looks at me with an ashen face and his eyes the size of bloodshot dinner plates.
“Yeah. I’m Todd Schotts. I’m flying to Japan for business.” He mumbles
“No surprise there,” I reply calmly and take a slug of my drink.
“But now we’re all going to die. The plane is busted and we’ll crash…” he started off again.
“So, Todd is it? Good. You drink?” I asked.
“Yeah?”, he stammered back.
I asked Luna to make us a fresh batch of my eponymous cocktails.
“OK, Todd, listen up”, I began after the drinks were served, “I have flown literally millions of miles over the last 4 decades. On Aeroflot when it was still the USSR. On TACA (Take A Chance Airways), on Chalk’s in the Caribbean, on Bob’s Verrifast Plane Company in Rhodesia, on regional carriers that don’t even exist anymore. All over the world. Had some bad experiences flying, and me ol’ mugger, this ain’t one of them. This is nothing more than the glitch for this mission.”
I chuckled lightly and complimented Luna on a fantastic drink.
“Yeah…yeah…yeah…but we have to land and check out some lights…” Todd squealed.
“Well now, Todd. It would be rather difficult to do any external assessment while in flight, don’t you agree?” I asked.
“But we’re diverting. We have to land and that adds more risk. We’re going to crash and die!” he was coming more and more unglued.
“I will bet you every cent you have on your person and home bank accounts that that will not happen”, I chuckled.
That took him by surprise. At least it shut him up for a while.
“Look, Todd. This is Boeing’s latest model. They have the most incredible safety record. And if a little clear air turbulence were to be knocking planes out of the sky, don’t you think we’d hear about it as the press went berserk?” I asked.
“But they don’t know what the lights mean! What if one of the engines’s out? How far can we fly on one engine?” Todd stuttered.
Having my fill of a supposedly grown man with inane childlike fears, I calmly replied,
“All the way to the crash site.”
He went white.
“...hope we hit something hard. I don’t want to limp away from this.”
He went limp.
Then I went to my seat and motioned for Luna to prepare a reload.
Of course, 45 minutes later, we land without incident at Daniel K. Inouye International Airport, Honolulu Hawaii.
We were told to just wait around until they figure out what the problem if any, was.
They had officials waiting at the end of the jetway to check our COVID status and passports before they let us loose in the terminal.
I asked Luna if she knew this airport. She noted that she did.
“Is there a JAL hospitality room here at this airport? I asked.
“Yes, Doctor. It’s the Sakura Lounge. It is located on the third level above The Local, Terminal 2.” She replied.
“Please notify whoever needs to know that that’s where I’ll be for the duration”, I smiled and handed her my business card. “See you soon, I hope.”
“Oh, Dr. Rock”, she replied, “I am sure it is nothing much. We’ll be back in the air within mere hours.”
“Well then”, I smiled, “Guess I’d better get ready to hoof it to the lounge.”
“Oh, Doctor Rock”, she smiled, “No rush. I will call for you a courtesy cart. You are injured, you are Business, you are priority.”
“I love that Asian efficiency.” I smiled back and toddled down the jetway.
At the terminus of the jetway, I show my COVID-clear papers, dates and times of my Anti-Virus vaccine administrations, the letter from Virginia clearing me of all detention, and my red Russian diplomatic passport.
While in the cart, whizzing our way to the JAL lounge, the driver said “Man! You must be some kind of VIP. You were through that welcoming committee in less than two minutes!”
“Me? Nah!”, I chuckled, “Just an old phart of a geologist that they didn’t want to mess with. Not on such a bright, sunny day as this.”
“I see you’re not wearing a mask.” The driver quipped.
“Very observant. There are reasons for that.” I replied.
He careens around a corner and if this were a normal pre-Covid day, I’m certain we’d have killed hundreds. However, the airport, as I’ve come to grow accustomed to, was virtually deserted.
“Yeah? Like what?” he asks.
“Well, Scooter, 1. I have an active and hardworking immune system that I let off the chain every once in a while for exercise. Got to let it know what it’s up against, right? 2. I’ve had all my shots and some that were experimental. They seem to have worked. And 3. I find it difficult to drink and smoke cigars while wearing a mask. However, if you’d prefer, I will mask up. No problem, though it still is optional.”
“Nah, man”, he said, “I was just wondering if you were one of those religious idiots or conspiracy nuts.”
Nope”, I smiled back, “Just another geologist out in the world plying his trade for cash. Y’know, whorin’ around for money.”
He laughs aloud as we skid to a stop right in front of Lounge.
I slip the guy a $20 and ask if he’d listen for the JAL flight I was just on. If we’re going on ahead today, I’d need him to scoot by and putt-putt me back to the plane.
He laughs and pockets the $20 as quick as a mink ruts.
“No worries. I’ll just hang around this area. I hear anything about the flight, I’ll come and let you know.” He grins.
“Good man”, I say, as I hand him my card. “I’m Dr. Rocknocker. Call me Rock”.
“And I’m Kapula Mano, call me Kap” he replies.
“Good man”, I say again, “Hope to see you in a while.”
He grins, floors his electric cart, and peels out at speeds approaching 4.5 MPH.
I wander into the lounge, show my credentials, and am escorted to a post up on Mahogany Ridge.
The bar is very quiet. Besides the bartender, I can’t see anyone else in the darkened and Smooth Jazz-infused drinking emporium.
I order a local drink, a Mai Tai, just for the experience and something a bit different.
It’s served in a goldfish bowl on a stem, bedecked with a slice of lime, a sprig of mint, a stick of sugar cane, a polychromatic orchid, and the obligate paper umbrella.
“Ah. Mai Tai. I will enjoy it.” I said to no one in particular.
One was enough, and I decided to go back to the old standard. Once I explained to the bartender what that was, he made them heroic and enthusiastically.
I’m reading up on a random dossier, making notes in a new file, and puffing away on a Fuentes Onyx double Maduro Churchill cigar.
I hear a slight cough coming from my right, and this here lovely lady, she sat to my immediate starboard and looked at me semi-quizzically.
Not in the mood for shenanigans of any stripe, I give her the obligate Baja Canada nod and tilt of the drink. I return to my dossiers and continue to read and take notes.
“Excuse me!” I hear.
Fearing the worst, either the woman is Karen-oid anti-smoking or a religious fruit-and-nutburger, I slowly turn to face her and reply, somewhat glacially, I have to admit.
“What?”
“That cigar…”
“Here we go…” I mutter, eyes rolling northward.
“Smells exquisite. Could you tell me the brand? My husband would enjoy some like that.” She notes.
Instantly my demeanor switches 180^0.
“Yes, ma’am. It’s an Arturo Fuentes Onyx. Churchill size, or 60 ring x 7” length, double Maduro. Here, take one for your husband. I have an ample supply.” I smile.
“Oh, no. I couldn’t. Could I?” she asks.
“Please. I insist.” I smile the best I could given the circumstances.
“Thank you. You’re too kind…umm…Mr….?”
“Doctor. Doctor Rocknocker. World traveler, oilman, and international ambassador of amity, good drinks, and fine cigars. Call me Rock” I said.
“Oh! A Doctor?” she brightens.
“Yes, of Petroleum Geology and Engineering. Not medicine.” I chuckle.
She chuckles back.
“And I am Hella Aaberg”, as she offers her hand for a quick shake.
“Interesting name, Hella. Scandinavian or Old German heritage?” I ask.
“On my father’s side. He’s Finnish.” She replies.
“But I’ll wager your mother is not Scandinavian, correct?” I ask.
“She was from Truk, an island…”
“In the South Pacific, Micronesia. Was she from Weno city?” I asked.
“Why yes. How could you possibly know that?” she asked.
“Oh, I’ve been there. Great diving amongst the WWII wrecks. I think it’s actually called ‘Chuuk Lagoon’ or something like that now.” I said.
“That’s right! Amazing. Where else have you been?” she asked.
“Anywhere there’s oil, strife, booze, cigars, heavy explosives and typically long distances from whatever most normal people call civilization,” I replied with a chuckle.
Suddenly, I hear a voice booming out behind me.
“Why don’t you save that rapier-like wit for those musky-fuckers back home, Rocko?”
My expression changes. My eyes pop fully wide open.
“Hella?” I asked.
“Yes?”
“May I ask you a favor?”
“You can ask…”
“Thank you. Now, looking over my shoulder, is there a hulking goon of a person, thin up top, paunchy halfway down with the most ridiculously tiny sized shoes you’ve ever seen for a so-called grown man?” I ask.
“Yes. Yes, there is.” She replies.
“I thought so. Many thanks.”
I spin and launch off my barstool and grab Toivo by the hand. He hadn’t seen my left-hand Thagomizer yet.
“Toivo! You old sumbitch. What the flying fennec fox fuck are you, of all people, doing in Hawaii?” I laughed.
“Just keeping an eye on you, Rock!” he laughed equally as loud.
“No, fucking-A, seriously. What the actual fuck? What are you doing in this actual nice place?” I asked.
“Just headed to Tokyo to conduct a bit of service company business. I walked into the lounge and smelled a foul cigar. I figured it can’t be the venerable Dr. Rocknocker. He’s back at some school up north terrorizing geology and engineering grads and undergrads.” Toivo laughed.
“But there I was. Surprise!”, I laughed and pumped his hand.
“What the fuck, Rock. Now what did you do?” he asks, referring to my Ankylosaur tail club left hand.
“Ah, fuck. Long story. Oh, pardon me. Toivo, this is Hella. We were just talking about the South Seas Islands.” I said.
“Planning on running off together?” Toivo laughs, to the amusement of neither party.
“Oh, and this idiot is Toivo, a man with a congenital foot-in-mouth disorder. He’s mostly harmless.” I noted to Hella.
Greetings were shared all around. Hella made some small excuses and said she needed to depart. I gave her another cigar for her husband, shook her hand, and wished her well.
“Here’s my business card. If your husband has any questions, have him drop me a line.” I noted.
Hella smiled beautifully. She said she would. Then she thanked me shook our hands, and like that, there she was, gone.
“Well Toivo, you old bastard. Don't just stand there in the doorway like some lonesome goddamn mouse shit sheepherder, get your ass over here and have a drink.” I motioned over to my perch on Mahogany Ridge.
“Don’t mind if I do”, he says as he deftly winds his way to a seat to my left, snagging a cigar out of my pocket on the way over.
“You might want these”, I say in an exasperated tone, and hand him my gold Dunhill Hobnail lighter and V-cutter gizmo.
He cuts and fires up his heater.
“What you drinkin’, Rock”, he asks.
“Anything with alcohol, as usual. You know that Toiv.” I reply.
“No. I mean right now.” He clarifies.
“Well, I had a Mai Tai. Very nice if you like fruity, flowery drinks. It’s the locals’ favorite.” I reply.
“Sounds good. I’ll have several. And you?” Toivo asks.
“My usual. The bartender is already apprised of the situation.” I reply.
Toivo smiles the smile of one knowing his sobriety is going to be taken out for a swim. Hell, taken out and tossed into the deep end.
Toivo and I sit there, swapping lies, smoking cigars and sipping at our toddies.
Hell, Toivo was slurping them like a sump-pump during an extra-wet summer.
We chattered about family, work, whether or not Tokyo was going to host the Olympics or if the COVID-boogie man scared everyone off.
Toivo, always one afflicted with TB (“Tiny Bladder”) got up to go to the loo for the third time that hour. He left his pocket organizer on the bar and I swear on a stack of Origins of Species, I didn’t touch it.
I reached over to his vacated seat to retrieve my cigar lighter when I looked down and saw in his organizer a tab that reads “Rack & Ruin”.
“Oh. No. Fucking. Way.” I recoiled as I’d just reached out and petted a 6-foot hungover scorpion.
“One of my best friends? Secretly allied with the Agency? No. Not possible.” I drained my drink and called for another.
“No. No. No. It can’t be. No. No fucking way…” as doubt began to dissolve when I thought back to all those times I had just ‘run into’ Toivo.
“But he’s oil patch as well. That could be chalked up to coincidence.” I ruminated quizzically in my brain.
I quickly reflected back on J.M. Darhower: “Yes, you see, there’s no such thing as coincidence. There are no accidents in life. Everything that happens is the result of a calculated move that leads us to where we are.”
She may be the author of the execrable New Adult Sempre series, which Esme likes and I loathe, but she might just be right on this occasion.
Toivo return, lighter in the bladder and good sense. He never even noticed he’d left his organizer out in broad bar light for all to see.
“So, Toivo, when’s your flight?” I ask.
“Oh, man. Was I lucky. The JAL flight to Tokyo from Los Angeles had mechanical trouble and had to divert here. I got a ticket on the plane for that flight, when it continues.
“You mean ‘if it continues’,” I replied.
“Yeah. Yeah. That’s what I meant. Hey! Was that your flight?” he asks innocently. He’s really innocent of fieldcraft.
I decide to have some fun at my old friend’s expense.
“Yep. Hit some CAT (Clear Air Turbulence) and the JAL pilots reported some lighting problem. No apparent ruin to any of the systems. They relay racked their brains to figure it out, but they couldn’t that’s why I here.” I said, waiting for the words to swim upstream in Toivo’s coconut and make some sort of connection.
“Yeah. Double lucky. No problem with the plane and I get to go to Japan early.” Toivo crookedly grins.
“So, no trouble with the plane? Then why haven’t I heard that the flight’s going to resume?” I asked as I pushed a fresh, seriously strong drink to Toivo.
“Oh, must have heard it in the john.” Toivo countered and tried to cover his tracks by taking a huge gulp of his drink and damn near dying coughing.
I pound on Toivo’s back.
“Heimlich time?” I ask.
Toivo signals ‘no’.
“Jesus Christ, Rock. What was that?” he asks.
“Just my usual”, I innocently replied.
“Holy fuck. No wonder you have the reputation of…” Toivo realizes too late that he’s said too much.
“Yeah. They can rack you out. Really ruin a person if they’re not careful.” I reply icily.
“Why, Rock. Whatever do you mean?” Toivo slurred as he realized he’s been caught out.
“The jig is up, you turncoat. You know Agents Rack and Ruin from the agency. Right? You keeping tabs on me for them? You Quisling! You Benedict Arnold!” I almost was on the verge of losing my cool.
“It was nothing. They approached me years ago as I kept being mentioned in your reports. They asked me for some information. One thing leads to another…” Toivo was ready for an Ankylosaur tail club swat to the bean.
“Oh, put your fucking hands down, you asshole.” I smiled and chuckled.
“You’re not mad?” Toivo slurred badly. I had the bartender make him another special drink.
“No, Toivo. Not mad. Just disappointed.” I said, smiling like a Komodo Dragon just finishing up a fortnight-old wildebeest.
Toivo sat there and puzzled and puzzled until his puzzler was sore.
“You’re not going to kill me or anything rude like that?” Toivo asked, half-assedly trying to inject humor into the proceedings.
“Nah. The paperwork’s too ridiculous for me to do another liberation. But, Jesus Fucking Christwagons, Toivo; you could have mentioned it to me. Fuck, I thought we were friends to the end?” I said, dejectedly.
I was really getting through to Toivo. I could tell he was loaded; feeling like shit and massively deplorable.
Great fieldcraft, indeed.
I told him things “are what they are” and that I won’t blow his cover nor his honorarium.
He began to feel better. I often wonder if he was serious about the sanctioning thing.
Then I delivered the strategic missile strike.
“Just remember, Toivo. I wrote your dossier for the Company…”
He swivels to look at me.
“And one for the KGB. Olga says ‘howdy’.” I grin evilly.
Toivo short-circuited at that. Russia is his company’s bread and butter. Now he has the KGB as well as his best buddy looking over his shoulder at every move.
I bought him a few more drinks and continued to needle him about his ’leading a double life’. He was well and truly fuckered when the electric tap-tap driver from before came looking for me to whisk me back to the plane.
Seems it was simply some knocked-out wires on the plane, or slammed bulbs that were generating a false positive, indicating something other than the system that alerts one to something haywire went haywire.
Toivo was pretty much down for the count. I got him sober enough to hand them his ticket and ensure that he was really supposed to be on this flight. Thing was; h e was in Economy, and I was, as always, in Business.
I spoke to Luna, and the plane was going to be even less crowded than previously because some folks could or wouldn’t wait, or didn’t want to go on with the rest of the trip on a ‘damaged’ aircraft, or were just stupid and superstitious.
“Luna, could I pay for the difference between Business and Economy for my less than 100% conscious friend here? He’s had a rough day.” I asked.
“Dr. Rock. Just put him into Business. No one will be the wiser. Luna says so.” As she gave us a grand smile.
“Luna, I owe you. Thanks so much.” I said.
“Now get on board. Your friend looks like he needs all the downtime he can get.”
“Yes, ma’am!” I said and saluted here be best I could which dragging a schnozzled Toivo down the jetway.
I dumped Toivo in a window seat well away from my seat. I know Toivo. He snores like a semi-load of live hogs rocketing downhill locking up the brakes at 88 MPH.
Surprise! There was no one else in Business. Luna looked at me, at Toivo, and gave me a thumbs up.
Whatever I can write to further her career at JAL, she’ll have it before I deplane.
We finally get everyone settled, and with Captain Kangaroo at the helm, we bounced gracelessly off the tarmac, into the warm, tropical Hawaiian air, finally headed for the Land of the Rising Sun.
Toivo was snoring like a chainsaw hitting rusty nails as I worked on the various letters, communiques, and dossiers which needed updating before we reached touchdown. I gave Luna a thick letter with instructions not to open it until we were on the ground and Toivo and I were well off and away into the terminal.
We left Hawaii at 1300 hours, so we should arrive at Tokyo Nareda around 4:00 pm, the previous day. I was so bereft of time and time zones, I couldn’t figure out what time it really was, as judged by my biometric rhythms, so I asked Luna for a stiff drink as I was kicking off my boots and going to attempt to get some kip.
She brought me another liter or so eponymous drink. I was sawing logs by the time I slurped the last swig of that nifty drink.
Suddenly, or later, I have no idea really, some loudmouth drunk asshole from way-the-fuck-back in economy-land toward the ass end of the plane staggered into Business demanding free drinks.
Luna was nothing but civil, and asked him to both shut up and return to his seat. His air cabin hostess, or whatever the fuck they’re calling them these days, will attend to his needs.
“Naw they won’t! They want me to pay for more drinks! I’m broke but I demand more booze! You fucking owe me.” railed the asshole. “I sat at the bar in Hawaii for four hours. Them fuckers charged me an arm and a leg!”
“No, they don’t owe you shit”, I said in a voice that unmistakably loud and clear.
“Fuck you, old man! You stay the fuck out of this!” he bellowed. “Shut up or I’ll do ya’!”
“’Old man’? ‘Do me’? Excuse me. Luna, may I have a word alone with this individual?” I asked sweetly.
Luna shook her head in the affirmative, and I stood up to confront this flagrant asshole.
“Now look, Scooter. You have gone way, way over the fucking line. You are loud. You are abusive. You are obnoxious. And you stink. Plus you insulted a person who is just barely containing his righteous wrath right now. So, I’m giving you one and one only chance to shut up, sit back down before your body spontaneously develops all sort of bruises, contusions, broken bones, and unconsciousness.” I said calmly, evenly, and threateningly.
“What da’ fuck you think you’re going to do…old man?” he screeched, trying to inflate himself into full mammalian threat posture, all 5’ 9” of it.
He didn’t notice Toivo walking up quietly behind him, as Toivo was returning from the head, quiet as a moose.
“Well, Scooter, I am an Air Marshall. Duly appointed, fully trained, and properly pissed off. Right now, I can arrest you, physically detain you, turn this flight around and take you to the Hawaiian police, at your cost for the inconvenience of the entire flight. Or I could arrest you, physically detain you, and turn you over to the Japanese authorities when we land. It’s really your choice. Choose wisely.”
To be continued…⇝

IF YOU’RE LOOKING for a place where misadventure could begin, you can’t go past Mbargo. The nightclub’s streetfront is painted a purple so bright you’ll see it in your dreams. Strings of giant sequins shimmer in the breeze. Its phonically inventive name is spelt in silver letters that climb its three-storey terrace facade. Inside are strips of burning neon, a few booths, floorboards so marinated in drink that they have an ingredients list. Bristol is a student city on England’s south coast crowded with music and nightlife and street art. This is Banksy’s home town, and the tourism board suggests in rather strong terms that ‘you would be a fool not to see his amazing work firsthand’. The same organisation describes Mbargo as ‘intimate’, which is fair for a place where you can catch an STI standing up. Students cram into its modest dimensions while people with names like DJ Klaud battle for billing with £1.50 drink deals over seven sloppy nights a week. To get a sense of the story about to come, consider that it’s the kind of place open until two o’clock on a Monday morning, and that at two o’clock on a Monday morning, Ben Stokes still thought it had closed too early.
The Ashes of 2017–18 had disciplinary bookends. It was after that series that Australia’s two leaders went off the rails in South Africa. It was a few weeks before that Ashes tour that England’s biggest star windmilled his way into his own disaster.
In the early hours of 25 September 2017, Stokes and teammate Alex Hales were barred from re-entering Mbargo after a night out on the piss. A Sunday thrashing of an abject West Indies in an ignored series at the fag-end of the season apparently required ample celebration. After arguing with the bouncer and hanging about at the door for a while, they wandered off to find a casino in the hope of more drinking. They’d barely made it around the corner before getting in the middle of a conflict between four locals. As is said on the internet, it escalated quickly.
The 26 September reporting was bloodless. Withholding names, police stated that a man ‘was arrested on suspicion of causing actual bodily harm’ while another went to hospital with facial injuries. England’s director of cricket Andrew Strauss separately confirmed that Stokes was the arrestee, adding that he had been released without charge and that Hales had gamely offered to ‘help police with their enquiries’. Administrators had a good chance of hiding behind that investigation, and the next day Stokes was named in the upcoming Ashes squad as expected. But that night the video emerged.
Bristol student Max Wilson had shot it on his phone, then offered it to The Sun. What he thought was playing hardball was actually lowball: his opening price of £3000 was snapped up by a tabloid that would have paid ten times that. The Sun went on to make a mint by syndicating the rights worldwide. From a window above the fray, the vision showed six men on the street below performing the muddled choreography of a melee. One was right at the centre of it. One was waving a bottle, one dipped in and out, one tried to calm it. Two others floated around the edges. The central figure was unmistakable: red hair burning even in the streetlight as he launched into a series of blows against two of the men, falling to grapple with them on the ground, then following both across the street, swinging punches the whole way. Hales trailed behind, repeatedly and impotently shouting ‘Stokes! Stop! Stokes! Enough!’ The ECB could fudge issues that existed only in thickets of legalese, but not those captured in moving colour. Stokes was stood down from the next West Indies match, then suspended indefinitely. It emerged that he had broken his hand during the fight, something he’d done twice before while punching objects in dressing rooms.
The response in Australia was fierce: Stokes was a thug, a lowlife, a selection that would disgrace England. It was not entirely coincidental that a ban for England’s best player would be handy for the Aussie team, but there was also a cultural split. In England, plenty of people still minimise pub fights as lads letting off steam. In Australia, heavy media coverage as a succession of young men were killed had inverted that tolerance. The discourse now saw any punch as potentially deadly and accordingly reckless. This was more poignant in a cricket context given that David Hookes, the dashing Test batsman and state coach, was killed in 2004 by a pub bouncer’s fist.
The PR situation was bad for Stokes as details emerged of the injuries to the men he’d hit, and that one was a young war veteran and father. Stokes wasn’t officially removed from the Ashes squad through October but stayed behind when his teammates left, hoping for police to dismiss the matter in time for a late dash to Australia. His annual contract was renewed on the due date in case that came to pass. Then 29 October brought a twist in the tale.
‘Ben Stokes praised by gay couple after defending them from homophobic thugs,’ ran the headline. Kai Barry and Billy O’Connell had emerged. Not entirely out of nowhere: while Stokes had made no public comment, this story in his defence had initially been leaked to TV host Piers Morgan after the fight, as soon as the video appeared. Police body-camera footage played in court would later show that Stokes had given the same story to the arresting officer on the night. But no-one knew the identities of the fifth and sixth men in the video, and police appeals had turned up nothing.
It was The Sun again with the breakthrough. Kai and Billy were perfect for a readership not keen on nuance. ‘We couldn’t believe it when we found out they were famous cricketers. I just thought Ben and Alex were quite hot, fit guys,’ said Kai, who was memorably described as a ‘former House of Fraser sales assistant’. The paper had the pair do a full photo shoot: layering the fake tan, showing off chest waxes, mixing Ralph Lauren and Louis Vuitton into a range of outfits. Their best shot had them standing back to back, heads turned to the camera, in a mirror-image Zoolander moment.
Suddenly The Sun was the England team’s best friend. ‘Their claims could lead to the all-rounder being cleared over the punch-up and freed to play in the First Test in Australia next month,’ it gushed, then gave a tasting platter of quotes: ‘We were so grateful to Ben for stepping in to help. He was a real hero.’ ‘If Ben hadn’t intervened it could have been a lot worse for us.’ ‘We could’ve been in real trouble. Ben was a real gentleman.’ Would it be known forever as Kai and Billy’s Ashes? No. While the Bristol boys provided spin for Stokes’ reputation they didn’t influence the police. With charges still pending there was little choice – not given Strauss had previously sacked Kevin Pietersen for being annoying. Stokes remained suspended through the Ashes and a one-day series in Australia, and lost the vice-captaincy. It was January 2018 before the Crown Prosecution Service laid a charge.
That charge surprisingly came in as affray, a crime that can carry prison time but is classified as ‘a breach of the peace as a result of disorderly conduct’. The men he had punched, Ryan Ali and Ryan Hale, faced the same count, charged as equal participants in a fight rather than Stokes being charged with assaulting them. Alex Hales was not charged, despite being seen in the video to aim several kicks when Ryan Ali was lying on the ground. Given the underwhelming standing of the offence, Stokes was cleared by the ECB to tour New Zealand, and kept playing until his trial in August 2018, which he missed a Test to attend. None of the three defendants would be convicted.
The reasoning behind the charges was never released and was attributed vaguely to ‘CPS lawyers’. The service gave the case to Alison Morgan, a prosecutor of a class known as Treasury Counsel who usually handle serious criminal matters. Morgan had a scheduling clash and never ended up court for the case, but in 2018 and 2019 she would go on to win damages and admissions of libel from The Daily Mail, The Times and The Daily Telegraph variously for incorrectly reporting that she had been responsible for the inadequate and inconsistent charging decisions.
Morgan’s successor on the case was Nicholas Corsellis QC, who on the first day of trial was permitted by the CPS to request two assault charges be added against Stokes. ‘Upon further review,’ claimed a CPS statement, ‘we considered that additional assault charges would also be appropriate.’ This was patent nonsense from the service that eight months earlier had chosen the lesser charge. Any lawyer knows that no judge will allow new charges once a trial has begun, because the defence hasn’t had time to prepare. But such a request could deflect criticism of the prosecution service by technically making the judge the one who disallows the charge.
Working through the story from the trial and the tape is complicated. You had a Ryan and a Ryan, a Hale and a Hales, a Billy and a Barry and a Ben. You had several versions of events as to who knew whom, who was drinking with whom, who had insulted whom and who had merely engaged in ‘banter’, a word that in modern Britain has to do an unconscionable amount of lifting. The reporting had constantly mixed up the Ryans as to who had which injury, who was in hospital, who had played which part in the fight, and whose mum had which stern words to say about it.
Let’s agree that from now Ryan Ali is Ryan One, the firefighter who ended up with a fractured eye socket and a cracked tooth. Ryan Two can be Ryan Hale, the soldier who scored concussion and facial lacerations. Mr Barry and Mr O’Connell are best known per The Sun as Kai and Billy. In scorecard parlance we’ll leave the cricketers as Stokes and Hales.
Amid the confusion, Stokes and his lawyers built his case in a straightforward way. The UK legal definition of affray is ‘if a person threatens or uses unlawful violence or force towards another person, which causes another person of reasonable firmness present at the scene to fear for their safety’. That means it doesn’t account for violence that harms a target, but violence that might frighten a theoretical bystander. The wiggle room for Stokes was with ‘unlawful’, because the charge excuses violence in defending oneself or others.
This interpretation hinged on the beginning of the video, where Ryan One waves a beer bottle about and takes a swing at Kai. The version from Stokes was that he was minding his own business walking down the street when he heard homophobic abuse. He intervened verbally and was threatened verbally by Ryan One – something that Ryan One denied but that couldn’t be proved or disproved. In fear for his safety Stokes had to nullify that threat by bashing Ryan One before it went the other way. He registered Ryan Two in his peripheral vision as another possible threat, and again had only one recourse.
Stokes also had to convince the jury to disregard testimony from Mbargo’s bouncer that he had been looking for a fight. A solid lump of a man, Andrew Cunningham had not enjoyed his patron’s attempts to get back into the club after the bouncer declined an offer of a bribe. ‘He got a bit verbally abusive towards myself. He mentioned my gold teeth and he said I looked like a cunt and I replied, “Thank you very much.” He just looked at me and told me my tattoos were shit and to look at my job.’ Cunningham described these words as coming in ‘a spiteful tone, quite an angry tone’, and said that Stokes still seemed angry as he walked away.
These were details the doorman had nothing to gain by inventing, but each of them Stokes denied. By his own accounting he had drunk a beer at the game and three pints at his hotel, then ‘potentially had some Jägerbombs’ along with half a dozen vodkas at the club. He insisted that after all of this he was not drunk.
If I may take a moment here to call upon the wisdom of experience – a person who cannot definitively say whether they have had any Jägerbombs has definitely had some Jägerbombs. A Jägerbomb is an experience that does not pass one by. Further to that, a person who says they have ‘potentially’ done something has definitely done that thing and doesn’t want to admit it. A person who has had between 15 and 24 standard drinks in one evening is shitfaced. A person who tries to bribe a bouncer £300 – three hundred quid! – to get into Mbargo – Mbargo! – is beyond shitfaced.
If Stokes admitted that he was drunk then the prosecution could say he was out of control. He claimed clear recall of assessing a threat, feeling fear and deciding to protect himself with force. He confidently denied details from the bouncer’s testimony, like using the word ‘cunt’ or mentioning gold teeth. Yet on other details he claimed a ‘significant memory blackout’. He didn’t remember the punch that saw Ryan One taken away by ambulance. He didn’t remember what the Ryans had said to Kai and Billy, only that those words were homophobic. With no head injury, as one of the few people who hadn’t been hit, he had supposedly suffered this memory loss despite being sober.
The version from Kai and Billy was compatible but vague: they had been walking along, they ‘heard … shouts’ of abuse from an unspecified source, then Stokes ‘stepped in’ and thus they avoided possible harm. They claimed to have been bought a drink by Stokes at Mbargo, although CCTV showed them meeting outside. The overall implication from both accounts was that the cricketers had been pals with Kai and Billy, while the Ryans as per The Sun’s headline were a roving band of thugs.
The reality though is that the Ryans were the ones hanging out with Kai and Billy at Mbargo. Police discussed CCTV from inside the club in questioning and at trial. On that footage the four Bristolians bought drinks for one another, danced together, and Kai was noted to have variously touched Ryan Two’s crotch and Ryan One’s buttock. Ryan One told police that all of this was taken lightheartedly and wasn’t a problem. Indeed, when the Ryans called it a night the other two left with them.
This much is clear from footage out the front of Mbargo, which shows Kai and Billy exit the club and start talking with a subdued Hales and a demonstrative Stokes, who are stuck outside. The vision was played in court to determine whether Stokes was antagonistic towards Kai and Billy, as he appears to impersonate them and to throw a lit cigarette their way. More interesting is that after a few minutes the Ryans emerge, and all six actors in the fight video briefly form a prequel in the one frame.
Ryan Two pats Billy on the chest in friendly fashion with his right hand before clapping him on the back with his left. He moves past and does the same to Kai before leaving the shot. Ryan One stops to speak to Kai. They lean in for a moment, talking, then Kai turns and they walk out of frame together. Billy hangs around for a few seconds at the door and then looks after them and races to catch up. Stokes and Hales remain outside the club to remonstrate further with the bouncers. Whatever discord develops around the corner is between four men who left amicably together minutes earlier.
There’s no way to know what caused that friction. If Ryan One did use homophobic slurs, he might have been drunkenly obnoxious for no reason. He might have had an insecure macho response to some extra flirtation. He might have thought unkindness was funny – ‘banter’ once again. Or he might have said something that was misunderstood, as both Ryans insisted in court that they had not used nor had the impulse to use any abusive language.
What clearly didn’t happen was an attack by bigots on random passers-by. This kind of crime is regular enough that an audience understands the horror of it, and this is what was evoked by the public accounts of Stokes, Billy and Kai. All we know is that there was some verbal dispute among the Bristol locals, and that Stokes came along behind them and put himself in the middle of it. Ryan One responded to the interference aggressively and away they went. There are plenty of reasons to look sideways at the idea that Stokes was a saviour. Foremost, neither Kai nor Billy was called upon as witnesses in court. You’d think it would be ideal to have Stokes’ story backed up by those who benefited from his selflessness. But his defence team had developed the impression that the pair had shown a changeable recall of events amid a hard-partying lifestyle, and would be dismantled by the prosecution on the stand.
That raises the question of whether The Sun coached their quotes for the 2017 interview. Despite missing court, Kai and Billy clearly enjoyed the attention. In 2018 after the trial they did a follow-up spread in the same paper about how poor Ben had been mistreated. They got a television spot on Good Morning Britain and glowed about his heroism. In 2019 The Sun wheeled them out once more to say that Stokes should get a knighthood. In 2017 they had ‘never watched cricket’ but by 2019 were supposedly volunteering sentences like, ‘He saved us, now he’s saved the Ashes.’ Whether they were paid for these appearances is not known, but the chance to be famous for a day can be lure enough.
If you find this cynical, consider that on the night in question, the Bristol boys were so deeply moved and thankful for Ben’s intervention that they left him to be arrested and never attempted to find out who he was. Seconds after the video ended, an off-duty policeman reached the scene. You might think that someone grateful to a saviour would speak on his behalf. Instead, said Kai, ‘it all got a bit scary so we walked off. It was too much for me and we went to Quigley’s takeaway for chicken burgers and cheesy chips.’ They didn’t give their hero a thought for over a month while police issued multiple appeals for witnesses.
As for Stokes, he told his arresting officer that ‘his friends’ had been attacked. After three minutes of chat outside a nightclub, these friends were so dear to him that he has never contacted them again: not after the newspaper piece, not after the verdict. He didn’t want to see how they were or thank them for their support. He didn’t mention them by name in his solicitor’s statement after the trial.
The Stokes defence rested on Ryan One’s bottle, which he had carried out of Mbargo to finish a beer, not to use in a Sharks versus Jets amateur production. But once he turned it over to hold it by the neck it became a weapon. Intent and interpretation can change the material nature of things. Part of Stokes’ justification in court was that the bottle implied that the two Ryans might have ‘other weapons’ hidden away. You can understand how a jury could decide that created doubt.
Not being convicted, though, doesn’t give the contents of the video a big green tick. It does not, as his lawyer claimed, vindicate Stokes. Looking in detail, Ryan One is belligerent but his movements telegraph a bluff. Hales is the person he’s gesturing at, but they’re several metres apart when Ryan One cocks his arm ostentatiously, showing off the bottle rather than bracing to swing. He skips forward but Hales skips back and Ryan One doesn’t follow. Kai stretches out an arm to impede Ryan One, who has a drunken stumble, nearly eats pavement, then staggers towards Kai and hits him in the back. That hand is still holding the bottle, but his strike is a side-arm cuff on a soft part of the body. It’s all pretty tame.
This is where Stokes gets involved. Having moved across to protect Hales, he now takes three large steps to run around Kai and booms his first punch at Ryan One. They fall to the ground and the bottle clinks away. Stokes gets to his feet to punch down at the fallen man, while Hales arrives to kick him ineffectively then runs off across the street for some unknown reason. Ice-cream van? Stokes is soon back in the grapple having his shirt pulled up to show off his Durham tan. Ryan Two steps in for the first time to pull Stokes away, prompting a couple more random punches at this new target, then Stokes trips backwards over Ryan One and sprawls in the street. Hales chooses this moment to return and aim some solid kicks at the head of the man on the ground. Nothing so far is a triumph of moral philosophy or the pugilistic arts. But if it all stopped here, perhaps you could say it was somewhere approaching fair. Ryan One has behaved like a turnip and it’s not an entirely unjust world that would give him a whack across the chops. The antagonists have disentangled, Stokes has some distance, it’s time to dust off and go home. Ryan Two steps forward for this purpose with his palm raised in conciliatory style and says, ‘Settle down, stop.’
So Stokes punches him.
It’s roughly his fifth punch overall, and he really winds up into this one. He misses so hard that he stumbles away into the shadows of the shop awnings along the road.
Hales starts shouting for him to stop. Ryan Two backs into the street, still holding his palm up. Stokes closes on him from about five metres away, six large steps, to where Ryan Two is standing on his own. Stokes pushes him a couple of times, as Ryan Two keeps trying to placate him and saying ‘Stop.’ Stokes throws his sixth punch, largely missing as his target ducks.
Ryan Two keeps pulling away and reversing, into the middle of the street now. Stokes follows him, grabbing his sleeve to drag him back. By this point Ryan One has found his feet and walked around behind his friend. Both of them are in the same line of sight for Stokes, and both are backing away. Stokes aims his seventh and his eighth punches, which Ryan Two tries to deflect, as Hales walks up behind Stokes to grab him.
Stokes yanks away from his friend and switches to Ryan One instead, taking seven paces to grab him before throwing his ninth punch of the night. He grabs again; Ryan One blocks that arm and pushes himself back away from Stokes. Ryan Two again intercedes, putting himself between the two with his palms up and his arm extended.
Stokes throws his tenth punch, a right-hander at the face of Ryan Two, then shoves him backwards. Ryan Two backs away once more, four paces. Stokes follows, steadies, lines up, then launches his strongest punch yet, his eleventh, a proper right hook from a solid base, one that cracks across the man’s head and gives him concussion. Ryan Two ends up flat on his back in the middle of the street, his hands still outstretched for a moment in useless protest until they twitch and drop to the blacktop.
Stokes isn’t done. He once more shoves away the restraining Hales and follows Ryan One, who keeps backing away saying, ‘Alright, alright, alright.’ Five more paces from Stokes before another blow at the man’s head. Kai and Billy are now standing over the poleaxed Ryan Two. The video ends, but seconds later Stokes will punch Ryan One hard enough to knock him out too, before off-duty cop Andrew Spure arrives on the scene to bring down the curtain. When the body-camera footage kicks in some minutes later, Stokes is in handcuffs but Ryan One is still laid out in the street. Ryan Two has regained consciousness, folded his shirt under his friend’s head and is asking police for an ambulance.
‘At this point, I felt vulnerable and frightened. I was concerned for myself and others.’ This was how Stokes described that sequence to the court. An elite athlete with years of gym work and training to snap a bat through the line of a ball with astounding power and precision, swinging fists as hard as he can at men with none of those advantages. Punching so hard that he breaks his hand, and repeatedly shoving away a friend so he can punch some more. Frightened and threatened by two targets shouting ‘Get back!’ and ‘Stop!’
The off-duty officer testified that Stokes ‘seemed to be the main aggressor or was progressing forward trying to get to’ Ryan One, who was ‘trying to back away or get away from the situation’. The student who filmed the video can be heard on the tape at one stage exclaiming ‘Fuck!’ and testified that it was because ‘I felt a little bit sorry about the lad that had been punched and it looked like he had his hands up’. That tallied with the prosecutor’s depiction of ‘a sustained episode of significant violence that left onlookers shocked at what was taking place’.
The defendant stuck to his strategy. ‘No, my sole focus was to protect myself.’ All up, in the 33 seconds of footage after he falls over, Stokes takes 35 steps forward to keep hitting two men who keep trying to get away. Not once is he hit back.
After the verdict, Stokes’ solicitor positioned him as the victim. It had been ‘an eleven-month ordeal for Ben … The jury’s decision fairly reflects the truth of what happened that night … He was minding his own business … It was only when others came under threat that Ben became physically engaged. The steps that he took were solely aimed at ensuring the safety of himself and the others present …’ The statement was impossibly self-righteous and self-absorbed.
If there was anyone to feel sorry for it was Ryan Hale, the second of our two Ryans. He’s the one who emerged from the club with a friendly arm around the shoulder for Kai and Billy. He’s the one who interposed himself to end the fight, then kept putting himself back in the firing line, trying to calm an intimidating stranger while dodging blows. For his show of restraint he got laid out regardless, concussed in the street, then was issued a criminal charge equal to that of the man who hit him, and described in national media as a violent bigot in an untested story to support that man’s defence.
Lawyers for Ryan Two made a more convincing post-trial statement, noting that Kai and Billy, ‘neither of whom were relied upon by the prosecution or the defence team for Mr Stokes, have taken the opportunity to speak with various media outlets about the alleged homophobic abuse that they received in the early hours of September 25. Mr Hale has passionately denied this allegation throughout the course of this case,’ it continued.
‘It is upsetting to Mr Hale that although he was acquitted, the accusation that he was the author of such abuse remains. Both Mr Hale and Mr Ali were knocked unconscious by Mr Stokes, and although Mr Stokes has been acquitted of an affray, Mr Hale struggles with the reasons why the Crown Prosecution Service did not treat him as a victim of an unlawful assault.’Good question. Avon and Somerset police were the investigating force, and they were frustrated by the decision. Ryan Two was filmed clearly not hurting anyone, but police were instructed by the CPS to proceed with a charge. Hales (the cricketer) was filmed fighting but ‘a decision was made at a senior level of the CPS’ not to proceed. Police expected Stokes to be charged with assault but the CPS declined. It doesn’t take a wild cynic to think that placing the same lukewarm charge on three men for vastly divergent behaviour might ensure that none would be convicted, even as the trial would maintain the pretence that a defendant of influential standing had not been given a free pass.
A couple of years down the line, the original interview with Kai and Billy has disappeared. All traces have been scrubbed from The Sun website, its social media history, and even from the Wayback Machine internet archive. Given its headline of ‘homophobic thugs’ and text that names Ryan Two but not Ryan One, the libel liability isn’t hard to spot. Later interviews with Kai and Billy take the passive voice – they ‘suffered homophobic slurs outside a Bristol nightclub’.
The article that was once claimed to exonerate brave Ben Stokes now links only to a missing content page, with a picture of a dropped ice-cream cone and the phrase ‘legal removal’ inserted into the web URL. In terms of consequences, Stokes missed one tour. When he resumed his career in January 2018, the Australians hadn’t yet ruined theirs. Their year-long bans looked much more stringent. But the Stokes case dragged on in other ways. With no criminal liability, the Australians confessed promptly enough for the sporting world to give them the full length of the lash. Their situation was ugly but there was closure. Stokes got stuck in legal stasis, unable to be fully backed or condemned. Instead his issue was always present, a browser full of open tabs that the ECB swore they would read any day now.
Through 2018 Stokes was back but he wasn’t back, in the sunglasses and finger-guns sense. In his return one-day series he nearly cost England a match with 39 from 73 balls in Wellington. His first Test hit was a duck as England got rolled in Auckland for 58. At Trent Bridge while Stokes was injured, England posted a world record 481 against Australia. With Stokes three weeks later at the same ground they made 268. He crawled to 50 from 103, the second-slowest any Englishman had reached that milestone in 20 years. That span covered Alastair Cook’s whole career. It was apologetic batting, acting out responsibility via the scorecard. Stokes was creeping back into the team like he’d been kicked out in a blazing row and was hoping to tip-toe to the sofa.
It was December 2018 before the ECB disciplinary committee ruled on him and Hales. In a ‘remarkable coincidence’, wrote Simon Heffer in The Telegraph, ‘the punishment both players faced in terms of bans from playing at international level was covered by the amount of games they had already missed when dropped by England’s selectors, in the furore that followed the incident’. The verdict compounded the omissions around the case by not addressing the violence at its heart. Nor did Stokes, apologising only ‘to my team-mates, coaches and support staff’, and then ‘to England supporters and to the public for bringing the game into disrepute’.
The implicit next step was to rebuild that reputation. It might have been easier had his court defence not meant that he wasn’t game to admit any fault at all. It might have been easier if he or his advisers had been willing to change tack once the trial was done. Imagine a world where Stokes had stood outside court and apologised for overreacting, for the injuries he’d caused, and for the time and energy he had sucked out of other people’s lives. That would have been a show of responsibility beyond a scorecard. When the time came around to assess forgiveness, it might have meant forgiveness was deserved.

Warning: massive amount of text ahead. I created a mostly functional race route around the world (all loactions like buildings, businesses, landmarks, etc. are REAL locations and could theoretically actually work in the race). I tried to have a good variety in locations and types of challenges, but it's really hard! I find it a lot harder to complain about challenge design after making this. Even though this could technically happen there are probably some safety concerns in going to South Africa and Lesotho and it's probably not possible for the American Amazing Race to film in Cuba, but I decided to do it anyway. If you have any questions or feedback please let me know!
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RACE #2
Leg 1 (USA - Japan)
Leg 2 (Japan - South Korea)
Leg 3 (South Korea - India)
Leg 4 (India - Oman)
Leg 5 (Oman)
Leg 6 (Oman - South Africa)
Leg 7 (South Africa - Lesotho)
Leg 8 (Lesotho - Greece)
Leg 9 (Greece)
Leg 10 (Greece - North Macedonia)
Leg 11 (North Macedonia - Cuba)
Leg 12 (Cuba - USA)
​
LEG 1
USA - Japan
Start at Cloud Gate, Chicago, Illinois
Run to clue at Millenium Monument
Clue #1
Make your way to the Gunma region of Japan, and travel to Sarugakyu Onsen. However, to get your tickets to Japan, you must make your way on foot through the busy streets of Chicago to Navy Pier, where flights will be given out according to the order of your arrival. Flights go to Tokyo, and you must make your own travel arrangements from there.
Flight 1 (5 teams): Chicago - Los Angeles - Tokyo, arrives 8:00 AM
Flight 2 (4 teams): Chicago - Tokyo, arrives 9:30 AM
Flight 3 (2 teams): Chicago - San Francisco - Tokyo, arrives 9:45 AM
Clue #2
Both team members must go into the hot springs and search it for the partly submerged cluebox to get your next clue.
Clue #3
Travel to Sarugakyo Bungy for your next clue.
Clue #4
Roadblock: Who’s ready to take a jump?
Bungy jump at the largest bungy jump in all of Japan at 62 meters, or over 200 feet! Once you’ve taken your leap of faith, you’ll receive your next clue.
Clue #5
Travel to Uenokunirokunomiya Haruna Shrine, Takasaki, for your next clue.
Clue #6
Create one string of paper cranes in Senbazuru. Senbazuru is the crafting of 1000 paper cranes for good luck. Following the demonstration, learn how to craft paper cranes. Once you have created forty of them and strung them together, deliver them to a Shinto priest at Akiba Shrine. He will give you your next clue.
Clue #7
Travel by train to Akihabara, Tokyo, and go to the top of the Tokyo Skytree to receive your next clue.
Clue #8
Roadblock: Who can ‘go’ kart? The teammate who did the first roadblock cannot do this one.
Travel to Akihabari Street Kart 1 and dress up in one of the many ridiculous costumes the company has to offer. Then, join a fifteen minute go-karting tour around the streets of this bustling region and look for three enormous signs in race colors with three different Japanese characters on them. If you can spot and write all three characters down correctly during the rush of Tokyo, you’ll receive your next clue. If you can’t get it right, you’ll have to join the next available tour.
Clue #9
Travel to Horin Park on foot to find the first pit stop! The last team to check in here may be eliminated.
Pit Stop, Leg 1
trip to Canada
last: eliminated
​
LEG 2
Japan - South Korea
Clue #1
Fly to Busan, South Korea! Upon arrival, make your way to Beomeo-sa for your next clue.
Fast Forward, Leg 2
Go to Songdo Beach and swim out into the ocean, locating the five whale statues in the water. At each statue, pick up marked letter tiles. Once you have all seven (two statues have two tiles), you can go back to the beach and unscramble the letters that spell out the name of a traditional South Korean delicacy that the other contestants eat at their first challenge. If you get the right word, you’ll be given a clue that takes you straight to the end of the leg.
Clue #2
Master the art of Korean meditation. If you can master all of the moves correctly, then your instructor will give over your next clue.
Clue #3
Head to Taejongdae for your next clue.
Clue #4
Roadblock: Who’s desperate to eat?
Take the marked path over one mile uphill to the marked food stand, and finish one serving of Soondae, a traditional South Korean delicacy that is made of pig intestines and pork blood. Once you have finished the food, you can run down to your partner and get your next clue.
Clue #5
Take the Songdo Marine Cable Car from Songnim Park to Amnam Park to receive your next clue.
Clue #6
Detour: Fish Identity or Fish Delivery
Fish Identity: Go to Jagalchi Fish Market and search for the marked stall. Once there, sort an enormous box of fish and organize them. Once the stall owner approves, put them up for stock in the stall to receive your next clue.
Fish Delivery: Go to Jacky’s Seafood and take three orders and three addresses that need to be delivered. Once you have delivered all the fish to all the correct addresses throughout the Gamcheon Culture Village, you will receive your next clue.
Clue #7
Make your way to the pit-stop at Haedong Yonggungsa. The last team to arrive may be eliminated.
Pit-Stop, Leg 2
-first: trip to Belize
-last: non-elimination
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LEG 3
South Korea - India
Clue #1
Fly to Hyderabad, India, and go to the Charminar for your first clue.
Clue #2
Travel to Ramoji Film City Main Entrance to receive your next clue.
Speed Bump, Leg 3
Make your way to Saha’s Adventure Park and zorb down a steep hill. Once you’ve made it, you can continue racing.
Clue #3
Detour: Birdy Woods or Bollywood
Birdy Woods: Dressing up in clumsy bird costumes, search through Asia’s largest aviary for a cutout of the bird your partner is dressing up as. Once you’ve found the two cutouts, head to the Bonsai Garden. If you match the right bird, you’ll receive your next clue.
Bollywood: Head to Ramoji Movie Magic. Dressing up in traditional Indian outfits, memorize a short dance to the tune of some Bollywood music and perform it to the live audience and judges. If you meet their standards, you’ll receive your next clue.
Clue #4
Head to Nehru Zoological Park where your next clue will be waiting.
Clue #5
Take an amazing elephant ride! With both teammates on the elephant’s back guide it through a short course. If you can reach the end in under two minutes, you’ll receive your next clue.
Clue #6
Make your way to Bidar Fort by public transport for your next clue.
Clue #7
Roadblock: Who’s itching to get etching?
One team member must help in the process of the creation of bidriware. First, you must chisel one section in the piece of bidriware very precisely. Any error and you must restart. If given the clear, then you must then make their way inside Bidar Fort and collect a total of three baskets of soil for the artisans to use later in the process. Finally, you must use some of the soil you collected and coat a piece of bidriware in it. If every part of the challenge was done to the satisfaction of the artisans, you will receive your next clue.
Clue #8
Make your way to the Bahmani Tombs and the pit-stop! The last team to arrive will be eliminated.
Pit-Stop, Leg 3
-first: trip to Japan
-last: eliminated
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LEG 4
India - Oman
Clue #1
Fly to Muscat, Oman! Once you have arrived, make your way to Al Alam Palace, where you will find marked cars waiting outside. Your clue will be waiting on the car.
Clue #2
Drive all the way to the Nizwa Souq in Nizwa, Oman, where you will find nine different tags, each releasing teams at different times the next morning, when you will be given your next clue.
Tag 1: departure at 7:00 AM
Tag 2: departure at 7:05 AM
Tag 3: departure at 7:10 AM
Tag 4: departure at 7:15 AM
Tag 5: departure at 7:20 AM
Tag 6: departure at 7:25 AM
Tags 7-9: departure at 7:30 AM
Clue #3
Detour: Selling Goats or Weighing Dates
Selling Goats: Navigate through the souq to the weekly goat market. You must select a seller and help them sell their goats. First, thoroughly clean five goats so they are ready for selling. Then, parade five goats around the “walking circle,” where potential buyers will inspect which goats to buy. You must finally buy a goat yourself, haggling for a price under 100 riyals, or 260 US dollars. Once you can purchase a goat, you will receive your next clue. Keep the goat for the next challenge.
Weighing Dates: Find the marked stall in the souq that is selling dates. Your goal is to weigh out 200 grams of Ajwa Dates, 175 grams of Barhi Dates, and 125 grams of Hayani Dates. To do this, you must travel across the market to a scale at a different date stall. If you can get the perfect amount of dates, you will receive your next clue. Keep the dates for the next challenge.
Clue #4
Travel on foot to the Contemporary Mosque with either your goat or dates and trade them with the man waiting out front for your next clue.
Clue #5
Make your way back to the souq, and head to Omani Craftsman's House where you will find your next clue.
Clue #6
Roadblock: Who can work and weave?
The teammate participating in this roadblock must help create a small basketwork bowl. After watching the example, you must use the provided materials to finish off the bowl. If it meets the requirement of the shop owner, you will receive your next clue.
Clue #7
Make your way to the pit-stop for this leg of the race, Nizwa Fort! The last team to arrive may be eliminated.
Pit-Stop, Leg 4
-first: continue racing
-last: continue racing
​
LEG 5
Oman
Clue #1
Drive yourself to Bimmah Sinkhole in Muscat, Oman! You will receive your next clue after having a cup of delicious locally-made coffee. Caution! Double U-Turn ahead!
Clue #2
Detour: Script Write or Shipwright
Script Write: Drive to Bait al Zubair and go into the Manuscript Room. Using a provided paper and translation guide, figure out what the marked manuscript says in English. If anything is wrong when submitting it, though, you must start completely over.
Shipwright: Drive to Oman Maritime Boatyard and find the marked boat. Oman Maritime has been reviving the craft of making the traditional wooden boats of Oman’s past, and you must help with the process. First, you must hand-sand a small section of the marked vessel. Then, you and your partner must work together to stitch coconut palm fiber through twenty holes, or eighty total stitches. Once you’re done, you’ll receive your next clue.
Clue #3
Make your way to Mutrah Souk for your next clue and the U-Turn board!
Clue #4
Search through the enormous market for one of three marked stalls. One you’ve found a stall, search through their wares for a trinket with a red/yellow flag on the bottom. Give the correct trinket to the shop owner, and they will hand you your next clue.
Clue #5
Drive yourself to Qurum Beach, where you will receive your next clue.
Clue #6
Roadblock: Who will pass the shells?
For this challenge, one team member must watch the demonstration of two fishermen playing a traditional Omani game, Al Hawalees. You must first create a “board” in the sand and collect the required amount of shells to play. You must then challenge a local fisherman. If you can win while following all of the rules correctly, you will receive your next clue.
Clue #7
Make your way to the pit-stop at Wadi Bani Khalid. The last team to check in will be eliminated.
Pit-Stop, Leg 5
-first: trip to Tanzania
-last: eliminated
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LEG 6
Oman - South Africa
Clue #1
Fly out of Oman to Durban, South Africa, on one of two flights.
Flight 1 (2 teams): Muscat - Durban, arrives 7:30 AM
Flight 2 (6 teams): Muscat - Dar es Salaam - Durban, arrives 8:00 AM
Upon touching down, make your way to Moses Mabhida Stadium, where you will find your next clue.
Clue #2
Roadblock: Who will swing for the skies?
One team member must strap in and complete the Big Rush Big Swing, the largest swing in the world! Dive 263 feet down. Once you have finished the swing, you will receive a section and seat number. You will search the stands for your next clue.
Clue #3
Make your way to Umhlanga Lighthouse for your next clue.
Clue #4
Shake it up! In this challenge, you must create Lighthouse Bar’s famous “Umhlanga Schling.” Use the provided recipe to create fifteen drinks to perfection, and you will receive your next clue.
Clue #5
Head to Addington Beach and dig underneath one of the large sandcastles for your next clue.
Clue #6
Detour: Tree or Sea
Tree: For this detour, go to Durban Botanical Gardens. Use a provided golf cart to make your way to the famous Wood’s Cycad, a tree dating back to the age of dinosaurs. It has been cared for here since 1848. Once there, use one of the provided pieces to put together a large 3d puzzle of the tree. Once it has been approved, you will be handed your clue, and you can drive back to the front of the gardens and continue racing.
Sea: Go to uShaka Marine World and help out with some chores! First, help the kitchen staff and prepare 5 pounds of specially made vegetables for some of the aquarium’s fish. Second, travel around the park and take water samples from each of the specified exhibits. Finally, record blood test results taken during routine health check-ups. If you’ve completed all of the steps correctly, you will receive your next clue.
Clue #7
Head to the pit-stop at Suncoast Casino and Entertainment World! The last team to check in may be eliminated.
Pit-Stop, Leg 6
-first: 5k each
-last: eliminated
​
LEG 7
South Africa - Lesotho
Clue #1
Drive yourself through Qacha’s Nek and into Lesotho! Once in Lesotho, drive yourself to Maletsunyane Falls where you’ll find your next clue.
Fast Forward, Leg 7
By completing this fast forward, you will skip an overnight rest point and will be able to head directly to the pit-stop. Head to Sehlabathebe National Park. Once there, using the provided map and compass, ride by horseback to the nomadic tribal people’s current village. At the village, help cook pap-pap, a type of porridge common in Lesotho. The first team to complete the challenge will be able to head directly to the pit-stop.
Clue #2
Drive yourself to Seshoeshoe Decor and Fashion Designers in Maseru for your next clue.
Clue #3
Who can cut up a pattern?
One teammate will choose one of the complicated tribal Lesotho designs, and must find five pieces of fabric that match it perfectly. But be careful, the designs have miniscule differences between them. Once you’ve found all of your fabric, cut them at the directed places to receive your next clue.
Clue #4
Make your way to the Subeng River Dinosaur Footprints, where you will find seven tags, each releasing you at a time in the morning when you will receive your next clue.
Tags 1-2: departure at 7:00 AM
Tag 3: departure at 7:20 AM
Tag 4: departure at 7:40 AM
Tags 5-7: departure at 8:00 AM
Clue #5
Detour: Cave or Maze
Cave: For this challenge, go to Liphofung Cave. You must memorize all of the rock paintings in a specified section (15 paintings), and then run approximately a quarter-mile away and select the correct paper cutouts and put them in the right order as they were shown in the cave. When you have everything selected and ordered correctly, you’ll receive your next clue.
Maze: Make your way to the second largest dam in Africa, Katse Dam. Enter the first marked gallery and record the air temperature and the humidity. Use those observations to crack a complicated code, and enter the parallel gallery it directs you into. Be careful, it might be hard to find! If you enter the correct gallery, you will find a boat key, which you must give to the boatmaster. He will then give you a small ride around the reservoir and you’ll receive your next clue.
Clue #6
Drive yourself to Sani Stone Lodge for your next clue.
Clue #7
Help a local Basotho Shephard and their dogs move their sheep to a new grazing location. Don’t let the sheep get away! Once they’ve all been successfully moved, you’ll receive your next clue.
Clue #8
Make your way on foot to the pit-stop at Sani Top Chalet! The last team to check in may be eliminated!
Pit-Stop, Leg 7
-first: trip to Egypt
-last: non-elimination
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LEG 8
Lesotho - Greece
Clue #1
Via Maseru International Airport, make your way to Athens, Greece, known to be the home of the first democracy! From there, make your way to the Theatre of Dionysus on The Acropolis, where you will take part in a U-Turn vote. The two teams with the most votes will be sentenced to an automatic U-Turn when they arrive at the detour. After the vote, teams will be given their next clue.
Clue #2
Fly to Chania, Greece on the island of Crete! Upon touching down, use the provided cars to make your way to the Agora and search for the marked stall.
Speed Bump, Leg 8
Together, team members must eat through a total of twelve Greek figs. Once all of the fruits have been stomached, that team can continue racing.
Clue #3
Detour: Traverse or Immerse
Traverse: Make your way to the Maritime Museum of Crete, and find the small yacht model outside the museum. Your goal is to remember as much as you can without writing it down, then make a half mile walk through the streets of Crete to the yacht harbor, where you must find a marked yacht and rearrange the items until it is just like it was in the model. Once the actual yacht matches the model, you’ll receive your next clue.
Immerse: Travel to Minoan’s World 3D Museum, and get treated to a five minute long “9D movie” on Cretan History which engages all of your senses. If you can answer all five questions correctly, you’ll receive your next clue. However, only two teams can participate in the show at once.
Clue #4
Drive to the Palace of Knossos for your next clue.
Clue #5
Use the provided map to navigate through the ruins, collecting puzzle pieces at each of the marked rooms. Once you have all ten bundles of pieces, head outside and recreate the large painting using the pieces you collected. Once it has been finished, you’ll receive your next clue.
Clue #6
Drive to Cretan Olive Oil Farm for your next clue.
Clue #7
Roadblock: Who is feeling oily?
In this challenge, one teammate will help in the process of creating olive oil. First, set up special tree-shaking equipment and a net, used to efficiently get olives out of the tree without bruising them. You will then sort the olives between bruised and fair. Finally, crush both bruised and fair olives with a traditional granite olive press. Once they have been successfully grinded into a paste, you’ll receive your next clue.
Clue #8
Find the pit-stop along the coast of the small village of Loutro back on the west side of Crete. You will soon discover, however, that the village is completely blocked off from the mainland by mountains, so you will have to find alternate transportation. Hurry, because the last team to arrive will be eliminated.
Pit-Stop, Leg 8
-first: trip to Austria
-last: eliminated
​
LEG 9
Greece
Clue #1
Fly back to the mainland in Thessaloniki! When you’ve arrived, search Aristotelous Square for your next clue.
Clue #2
Detour: Serve or Observe
Serve: For this detour head on foot to Bougatsa Giannis, a renowned restaurant in the Ladadika area. You must take the orders of twelve total people and retrieve the correct dishes for them from the kitchen. Each person also has a dessert, which must be retrieved from nearby pastry shop Trigona Elinidi. You may take notes, but if you mess up someone’s order, you must start it over again.
Observe: Go by taxi to the Thessaloniki Science Centre Technology Museum and make your way to the main planetarium. The night sky will be projected above, and will be moving around you at one hour of regular movement per second. Using the provided key, identify five Greek constellations first identified by Claudius Ptolemy- Orion, Ursa Major, Cassiopeia, Centaurus, and Perseus. Be careful, it might be dizzying! Once you’ve found all of the constellations, you’ll be rewarded with your next clue.
Clue #3
Find the Arch of Galerius for your next clue.
Clue #4 Use one of the marked cars to drive yourself for the rest of the leg. Go to the Thessaloniki Concert Hall for your next clue.
Clue #5
Roadblock: Who can blow a note and hold a tune?
Macedonian brass bands are extremely popular in the Macedonia region of Greece, so for this roadblock, learn how to play the trumpet, a popular instrument played in these bands. If you can play a few notes of the folk song with the band, you’ll get your next clue.
Clue #6
Drive to Dalamara Winery. Once there, follow the guide to the directed area, where you must load two empty kegs onto a horse drawn cart. Direct the horse approximately half a mile through the vineyard and return back to the kegs. You will continue to load and deliver a total of eight kegs to receive your next clue.
Clue #7
Drive to Ski Center Voras and take the lift to the top where Kajmakcalan, a chapel right on the border between Greece and North Macedonia is situated. The last team to arrive at this pit-stop may be eliminated.
Pit-Stop, Leg 9
-first: trip to Colombia
-last: eliminated
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LEG 10
Greece - North Macedonia
Clue #1
Drive yourself across the border into North Macedonia to Popova Kula Winery! Once there, pull a tag that departs you at a certain time the next morning.
Tag 1: departure at 8:00 AM
Tag 2: departure at 8:10 AM
Tag 3: departure at 8:20 AM
Tags 4-5: departure at 8:30 AM
Clue #2
Roadblock: Who is a master chef?
The teammate doing this roadblock will use the provided recipe to cook the national dish of North Macedonia, Tavche Gravche, a special type of baked beans. If it is cooked to perfection, you’ll receive your next clue.
Clue #3
Drive yourself to the Millenium Cross in Skopje for your next clue.
Clue #4
Detour: Art Block or Charity Walk
Art Block: Drive to the Art Bridge, which is home to 29 statues of important Macedonian artists and musicians. Wandering on and around the bridge are 29 people dressed up as those artists and musicians. You must match nine total people to their statues. A maximum of three teams can complete this challenge.
Charity Walk: Drive to the Mother Teresa Memorial House and load a trolley cart with a marked group of items that will almost completely fill the trolley. On foot, travel to the SOS Children’s Village National Office where you are to deliver the items. If you do not choose this option, your items will still be donated after the leg.
Clue #5
Drive to the city of Struga, where the North Macedonian national anthem was created. Make your way to the Saint Archangel Michael Cave Church for your next clue.
Clue #6
Teammates must work together to memorize four total stanzas of the Macedonian national anthem- in Macedonian. If you can perform it with the orchestra without forgetting the lyrics, you’ll receive your clue to the next pit-stop.
Clue #7
Drive to the Monastery of St. Naum and the pit-stop! The last team to check in may be eliminated.
Pit-Stop, Leg 10
-first: trip to Indonesia
-last: eliminated
​
LEG 11
North Macedonia - Cuba
Clue #1
Make your way back to Skopje, then fly to Havana, Cuba, on two predetermined flights. Once there, go by taxi to Taller Calle 8, a car repair shop, where you will receive your next clue.
Flight 1 (2 teams): Skopje - Paris - Havana, arrives 6:30 AM
Flight 2 (2 teams): Skopje - London - Miami - Havana, arrives 7:10 AM
Clue #2
Roadblock: Who can fix it up?
The teammate doing this roadblock must follow the example to repair one of the classic Cuban cars. If it makes it past inspection, you’ll receive your next clue.
Clue #3
For the remainder of the leg, you’ll have to drive the car you just fixed. Head to Fusterlandia, where you’ll find your next clue.
Clue #4
Find where the attached image is in person throughout the folk neighborhood of Fusterlandia. If you can find where the image actually is and show the judge, you’ll receive your next clue.
Clue #5
Sell the Box or Find the Band
Sell the Box: Drive to Santa Maria del Mar Beach and sell the provided boxes of boxed rum, the “juice box for bug kids.” While never selling any box for under 25 Cuban Pesos, make 375 Cuban Pesos (around fifteen US dollars). Once you’ve made your sales, you’ll receive your next clue.
Find the Band: For this detour, drive to the Cuban Art Factory and observe the large, marked piece of sheet music in the first room. Going from room to room in the factory, try to find the band who is playing the music that was in the first room. You must make your guesses ten minutes apart, so be confident in your answers! Once you have chosen the right band, you’ll be rewarded with your next clue.
Clue #6
Drive to Vinales Valley Tobacco Field and search the marked area for your next clue.
Clue #7
Perfectly roll ten Cuban cigars, five per contestant. Watch the example closely, as any small mistake in rolling the tobacco leaf will cause the cigar to fail. Once all of the cigars have been perfectly rolled, you’ll receive your next clue.
Clue #8
Take a long drive to the eastern side of Cuba and the pit-stop at Ignacio Agramonte Park in Camaguey! The last team to check into the pit-stop will be eliminated.
Pit-Stop, Leg 11
-first: trip to Botswana
-last: eliminated
​
LEG 12
Cuba - USA
Clue #1
For the first part of this leg, you’ll be staying in Cuba! Drive yourself using the car you used in the last leg down Neptuno street in Havana, where you will find a guarapo stall with a flag.
Clue #2
Using the hand-press to crush sugarcane, make forty glasses of guarapo. Once all of the glasses have been successfully made, you’ll be handed your next clue.
Clue #3
Drive to the Tropicana Night Club for your next clue.
Clue #4
Roadblock: Who can make it and shake it?
For this challenge, one team member must follow the instructions of the costume designer to create a costume for one of the showgirls. If the costume is made correctly and given a pass, teams will be given their next clue.
Clue #5
Teams must drive to Aeropuerto de La Habana Ciudad Libertad, where you will embark on a charter flight to Key West, Florida, back in the United States. Once in Key West, teams must go to the southernmost point in the continental United States for their next clue.
Clue #6
Make your way to the Ernest Hemingway Home and Museum, where you’ll find your next clue.
Clue #7
Roadblock: Who is a reader, a writer, and a decipherer?
Ernest Hemingway, known for books like The Old Man and the Sea, had a notoriously bad handwriting, with little regards to punctuation or accuracy. One team member must copy one of Hemingway’s notes perfectly, letter for letter, on the provided typewriter. If it was typed perfectly, you will be handed a decoder key which you can use to find the hidden message, which will reveal the location of your final challenge.
Answer: Smathers Beach
Clue #8
Now that you’ve made it to Smathers Beach, you’ll partake in a final challenge. Out in between the marked buoys are bundles of letter tiles. You must dive down to retrieve them and bring them back up to shore. Figure out what you’re supposed to spell out with them, and once you think you have the answer, hang the tiles in order on your clothesline. If you have the correct answer, you’ll be given the final clue.
Answer: United States, Japan, South Korea, India, Oman, South Africa, Lesotho, Greece, North Macedonia, Cuba, United States (teams must figure out that they have to spell out all of the countries they visited in order on the race)
Clue #9
Congratulations! Make your way to the final pit-stop at Fort Zachary Cruise Pier! Go, go, go, the first team to reach the pit-stop will win 1 MILLION dollars!
Pit-Stop, Leg 12
10 countries
4 continents
over 27,000 miles
first: 1 million dollars

Okay, so this is more like a large set of glitches I've experienced over the years, and I'll avoid the childhood ones. Instead, I'll mention an event from less than a month ago verifying warnings from what I'd like to call nonlinear temporal information messengers.
This is long, but it is weird. I've only told this to a few people, and I hope this is worth the read.
The glitch I'm going to be referring to today is my acting on information that I believed may have saved my life, as info I've been given has helped give me so much peace of mind when life has thrown me curveballs.
Since I've been an adult, I've had TWO separate events in which men of difficult-to- place ethnicity and appearing to be 35-55 years old but hard to place more than that have approached me while I've been working and been around coworkers, both appearing at first to be conversating with me in a work- related way until getting me away enough to tell me they have things that they have been sent to tell me. I am skeptical usually, but over the years, not one thing these men have told me has been a lie.
The first man approached me when I was working an event in the Bahamas for a modeling team I had barely it onto via contests. I was in a large group of ladies, and there were lots of people inside and outside a hotel/casino. He tells me he like to get privacy-- I think he's being a creep, but then he asks if I've been outside yet to enjoy the beach. I hadn't-- it was sunset, people were everywhere, and the beach area was part of the hotel. I went and kept looking back at the hotel while we walked and exited the building.
He then tells me he needed to get me alone because he had a message for me from God. I'd grown up religious but become VERY agnostic/skeptical at this point, so I thought this rich guy was crazy or playing me. He tells me he has a gift from his mother because she had the gift, too, and it's his job to share with me what he is led to tell me. I had said nothing about myself, and there was NO info about me other than the fact I was from the US. I made sure to give him NO info to John Edwards his way into looking like he knew anything. This was in 2006, so looking me up was laughable.
He begins to tell me VERY personal things about myself and my family that I'd never told anyone. He begins to tell me how I feel about some of these things, including guilt, is not right, and that I had to give certain people time to rebuild relationships. He tells me it is okay, almost absolving me of a HUGE burden I'd been carrying. This ended up being true, and it took over a decade to verify.
He tells me I'll have my first child within the year, it will be a girl, and I'll have one or two more children who will be boys much later. I had my daughter less than a year later despite efforts to not get pregnant (ex sabotaged bc and prevented medical care), and I had my son almost thirteen years later this May after thinking I'd never get pregnant again due to lots of doctors telling me I shouldn't have been able to have the first baby.
This man then tells me my current partner at the time is not the person I'm supposed to be with at all. I told him I was trying to make things work with the guy, and the man tells me that my now-ex will die fairly young like early forties or so. However, if I waited that out, his abuse would be so bad that there would be nothing of me left, and my life would be meaningless since I would be broken irreparably.
If I left as soon as I could, life would be hard for a while, but I would be myself. My ex is still alive as he's in his late thirties, but the abuse he meted out as soon as I was pregnant and until I left was bad enough (along with the psychological and other abuse that I'd been oblivious to when this man came along) to match what the man warned me. Until that point, I'd been in denial about the abuse since it hadn't been physical and had never even thought about it not discussed it.
He then describes the man I'm going to end up with as someone older who will love me and run a successful business with me after hard times. This is who the other child(ren)'s father is. We won't be happy until we move to Florida. My partner is almost a decade older than me, we're obsessed with trying to find all sorts of ways to make money now and long-term (we've had a few failed or not- worth-it ventures already), we've definitely had hard times, and he's the father of my newborn. We haven't moved to Florida, but that's come up more than once as a possibility!
The man had kept gingerly putting his arm around me in the least creepy way possible-- like how my dad would do-- and kept looking INTO me as if to make sure I was okay with the information he was giving. He told me everything was going to be okay-- like I'd make the right decisions but I'd needed the data he'd given to get there. I walked back in with him, and everyone had wondered where I'd been. Oddly enough, no one had been outside, and for nearly an hour, I'd had a beautiful Caribbean sunset on the beach with just one other person who seemed to care about ME more than anyone else had in a long time.
I went to grab a drink finally, saw the guy while waiting, and quickly snapped a picture. It is the only picture in my whole trip where there is extreme motion blur despite him not moving. He seemed surprised by the photo and acted like he was shocked I took one.
Later, when the other ladies asked me where I'd been and I told them, they all told me that no one had seen that man. They'd all been standing right by him with me. They said I was alone outside! The picture of him is literally the only thing that made me realize SOMETHING wasn't right, and it wasn't my perception.
I shook this glitch in my life off, even as events unfolded the way he said and even things he left out began to make sense. Then, years later, I was at work as ahem a "dancer," (life had been hard-- someone got criminal charges in my name, so jobs were hard to get in a post-2008 world for a nerdy college grad with an arrest and dropped charges while getting sick from allergies and then-undiagnosed issues lol).
There was a table of regulars with three guys. One guy was always in a suit, and occasionally, you'd see him give a girl money. Another salt-of-the-earth guy would take girls for dances, but it was rare. A third guy sat there and smiled. He looked business casual every day he was there., and he was there often.
After seeing him a few months with none of the guys at that table ever being anything more than polite, I didn't bug him. One day, it was slow, and he flags me over. He then asks if I'd like a palm reading. I get this weird feeling. The guy in the suit looks low-key excited and nods, like he wants me to say yes. The other guy wasn't there.
I say yes, sit down, and give him my palm. He doesn't even look at my palm, my hand drops, and he begins unloading details about me EXACTLY like the last guy, almost like updates on some things from the last time and new information. I am in total shock.
He tells me I'm very sick. I need to get out of that kind of work as I'm very sick and making myself worse. I ask how-- was it my female issues or weird allergy? He says not just that but it was many things. This proved to be true as I have a kind of rare genetic disorder that causes other issues. Working on my feet and not resting like I'd been doing there and at restaurants could have crashed my nervous system.
He tells me specifically that the MAIN thing I need to watch out for is my kidneys. I ask him if they are damaged. He says no, but that I need to be very careful as I could die (almost like earlier than planned) if I don't protect them. I thought wrongly this had to do with my blood pressure being low as that stresses the kidneys when you go untreated like I did for decades.
A few weeks ago, I got bloodwork showing my kidneys were failing and causing anemia. I thought I'd just had an allergic reaction to a med a few weeks prior, but in additionto that, my kidneys had been shutting down. I'd been losing hair in clumps, itching all day, and looked like I was dying, even after discontinuing the meds and taking antihistamines that only helped a few symptoms.
Before I saw my doctor, I began treating the kidney issues. My doctor is not willing to admit the meds did this, but I saw the bloodwork and know. She wants me on more of the same kind of meds, but I'm getting a new doctor. I heard the man warning me replay in my mind my whole visit, so I'm going with that!
Perhaps the most weird is the statement he made when he fussed at me. He told me even more details about the guy I was supposed to be with, and I started trying to figure out how some of that could be true since it didn't match my boyfriend at the time. He looks at me like I'm stupid and says, "He reminds you of the man you're supposed to be with, but he isn't him. You'll see." It was like he thought I had mistaken one man for another outside time-space continuum limitations.
My logic circuits did not like this statement. It rolled around in my brain for MONTHS, on and off. "Reminds" meant I already knew and remembered who I was supposed to be with, but that is in the future, so wtf?! I considered it maybe a fluke or issue with the guy's English. He had a slight accent that was hard to place (like the other guy in the Bahamas), so I filed this glitch statement away.
I got up after the conversation as he also reassured me much like the other man had. Despite working there for a few more months, I never saw him again. I saw the guy in a suit a few times alone and quiet, but not nearly as often. This weirded me out. When I asked girls there about the guys, almost no one knew who I was talking about despite them being there all the time. The girls who did know had seen one guy but not all of them, and no one had seen the ambiguously ethnic guy.
About two years later, I had just broken up with my ex and was out with a friend at an afterhours club on July 4th. It was slow, but she was trying to keep my sanity by keeping me occupied and distracted. I was out on the patio, and the very nice young guy I was talking to about his breakup with his boyfriend (he'd been in tears) had his buddy come out to take him home.
His friend looks at me as he helps his friend up to leave and says, "Why are you out here? Your husband is in there, waiting for you!" The crying young guy looks confused and says something to that effect. The guy tells him it's true and walks him away.
I was shocked as the only guys I'd seen were gay or obviously taken, other than the dj. That's why I'd gone outside to breathe fresh air and feel sorry for myself. I thought the dj was some young guy who thought I was weird after my friend introduced me to him-- she'd brought me there for that purpose. The dj was, in fact, quite a bit older than me and liked that I was weird. Most importantly, he was very single after getting out of a relationship a few months prior. This is my partner.
Shortly after dating, I began noticing LOTS of impossible similarities between him and my ex- boyfriend as to likes, dislikes, hobbies, bad habits, and even personal stories. He was a very different person, but it was almost like my ex had been trying really, really hard to be who my partner is naturally.
My partner said he felt like a replacement due to how many times even my daughter would point out these things. I then remembered:
"He reminds you of the man you're supposed to be with. You'll see."
I told him about this, and my partner was just as confused as I was. When I told him all of the above, he only wants to know smart-ass things like why I didn't ask WHAT the successful thing is we are supposed to do so we can move to Florida already! (He also said all of it was bullshit until I got pregnant, reminded him it would be a boy, and it was!)
I really feel almost like I've had "people" glitch into this reality to help me out through what have been some crazy, dangerous, and seemingly-impossible situations. The advice, analysis, and predictions I've been given have held up.
I also feel like two events happened in these interactions that shouldn't have. The first was the picture. The guy acted like I'd broken some weird rule but didn't guilt-trip me about it. It was like I should've asked him first, but he would have said no anyway.
The second was when the second guy got annoyed with me trying to get my ex to make sense as "the one." It was like he lost composure and explained something in a way that shouldn't have been explained. The conversation was cut not long after that.
Telling me I mistook my ex for someone in the future was SUCH a loaded statement as to the nature of reality and myself. The future was influencing my past, and not just from what they told me but from what I must have subconsciously known about my future. I started realizing some odd events and decisions I'd made over the years backed this up.
The mindfuckery of then trying to decide what I'm doing because I like it and what I'm doing because it makes sense cosmically in a nonlinear temporal fashion became something I tried to avoid pondering. I've had lots of little glitch moments, but what takes the cake is these two men who seemed to not exist glitching in and out of this plane to help me.
Either I'm insane, very psychic, and can manifest photos of nothing into people, or for some weird reason, I'm being looked out for to make sure I have hope when I'm on the edge of being hopeless (later, not at the time of these glitches). I'm very honored that I was given what I was given either way.
Has anyone else ever had anything like this happen?
Also, I really feel like being told I was mistaking something now for something in the future might REALLY apply to some of the stories here! Taking linearity of time out of the equation makes what seem to be synchrocity, Mandela Effects, and weird memories (especially of things that never happened but you avoid like a warning) all rational event types.

Best run in terms of anything
William Wyler: The Westerner, The Heiress, The Little Foxes, The Letter, The Best Years of Our Lives, Mrs. Miniver, Memphis Belle, and Thunderbolt.
Orson Welles: Citizen Kane, The Magnificent Ambersons, The Lady from Shanghai, Macbeth, Journey into Fear, The Stranger, Black Magic, and Follow the Boys.
John Huston: The Maltese Falcon, The Treasure of the Sierra Madre, Key Largo, We Were Strangers, In This Our Life, Across the Pacific, and Let There Be Light.
Howard Hawks: Red River, I Was a Male War Bride,A Song Is Born, To Have and Have Not, The Big Sleep, Sergeant York, His Girl Friday, Air Force, and Ball of Fire.
Alfred Hitchcock: Notorious, Rebecca, Shadow of a Doubt, Spellbound, Rope, Suspicion, Under Capricorn, Foreign Correspondent, Saboteur, Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Lifeboat, and The Paradine Case.
Preston Sturges: The Palm Beach Story, Sullivan's Travels, Unfaithfully Yours, The Great Moment, The Miracle of Morgan's Creek,I Married a Witch, Christmas in July, The Lady Eve, and The Great McGinty.
George Cukor: The Philadelphia Story, Gaslight, Adam's Rib, Susan and God, Her Cardboard Lover, Keeper of the Flame, Edward, My Son, A Double Life, I'll Be Seeing You, and Desire Me.
John Ford: The Grapes of Wrath, The Long Voyage Home, Tobacco Road, How Green Was My Valley, 3 Godfathers, December 7th: The Movie, My Darling Clementine, They Were Expendable, We Sail at Midnight, Fort Apache, Torpedo Squadron ,The Battle of Midway, How to Operate Behind Enemy Lines, She Wore a Yellow Ribbon, and The Fugitive.
Jacques Tourneur: Cat People, I Walked With a Zombie, Out of the Past, Canyon Passage, The Leopard Man, Phantom Raiders, Days of Glory, Easy Living, Experiment Perilous, and Berlin Express.
Vittorio De Sica: Shoeshine, Bicycle Thieves, Heart and Soul, The Children Are Watching Us, The Gates of Heaven, A Garibaldian in the Convent, Teresa Venerdì, Maddalena, Zero for Conduct, and Red Roses.
Roberto Rossellini: Rome, Open City, Paisan, Germany, Year Zero, L'Amore, The White Ship, A Pilot Returns, and The Man with a Cross.
Ernst Lubitsch: To Be or Not to Be, The Shop Around the Corner, Heaven Can Wait, Cluny Brown, That Uncertain Feeling, A Royal Scandal, and That Lady in Ermine.
Powell and Pressburger: The Life and Death of Colonel Blimp, The Red Shoes, A Canterbury Tale, I Know Where I'm Going!, A Matter of Life and Death, Black Narcissus, Contraband, 49th Parallel, One of Our Aircraft Is Missing,The Small Back Room, and An Airman's Letter to His Mother.
Michael Curtiz: Casablanca, Mildred Pierce, The Sea Wolf, Yankee Doodle Dandy, This Is the Army, Night and Day, Romance on the High Seas, Santa Fe Trail, Virginia City, The Sea Hawk, Captains of the Clouds, Dive Bomber, Life with Father, Mission to Moscow, Janie, Passage to Marseille, Roughly Speaking, The Unsuspected, My Dream Is Yours, Flamingo Road, and The Lady Takes a Sailor.
John M. Stahl: Leave Her to Heaven, The Foxes of Harrow, The Eve of St. Mark, Our Wife, Immortal Sergeant, Holy Matrimony, The Keys of the Kingdom, The Walls of Jericho, Father Was a Fullback, and Oh, You Beautiful Doll.
Billy Wilder: The Major and the Minor, The Lost Weekend, Double Indemnity, Five Graves to Cairo, Death Mills, The Emperor Waltz, and A Foreign Affair.
Nicholas Ray: They Live by Night, A Roseanna McCoy, Woman's Secret, and Knock on Any Door.
Elia Kazan: A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, Pinky, Boomerang, The Sea of Grass, and Gentleman's Agreement.
Frank Capra: It’s a Wonderful Life, Arsenic and Old Lace, State of the Union, and Meet John Doe.
Carol Reed: The Third Man, Odd Man Out, The Fallen Idol, The Stars Look Down, Girl in the News, A Letter from Home, Kipps, The Young Mr. Pitt, Night Train to Munich, The New Lot, and The Way Ahead.
David Lean: In Which We Serve, This Happy Breed, Brief Encounter, Blithe Spirit, Oliver Twist, Great Expectations, and The Passionate Friends.
Mervyn LeRoy: Waterloo Bridge, Random Harvest, Little Women, East Side, West Side, Without Reservations, Any Number Can Play, The House I Live In, Madame Curie, Thirty Seconds Over Tokyo, Blossoms in the Dust, Johnny Eager, Escape, and Homecoming.
Vincente Minnelli: Meet Me in St. Louis, I Dood It, Cabin in the Sky, Yolanda and the Thief, The Clock, Undercurrent, Ziegfeld Follies, The Pirate, Madame Bovary, and Till the Clouds Roll By.
Charles Walters: Ziegfeld Follies, Easter Parade, Good News, and The Barkleys of Broadway.
Leo McCarey: The Bells of St. Mary's and Once Upon a Honeymoon.
Jean Renoir: The Woman on the Beach, The Southerner, The Diary of a Chambermaid, Swamp Water, and This Land is Mine.
Anthony Mann: Moonlight in Havana, Sing Your Way Home, My Best Gal, Nobody's Darling, Dr. Broadway, Strangers in the Night, Bamboo Blonde, Raw Deal, T-Men, Desperate, Railroaded!, Border Incident, Reign of Terror, Two O'Clock Courage, and Strange Impersonation.
King Vidor: The Fountainhead, On Our Merry Way, Duel in the Sun, An American Romance, Comrade X, Northwest Passage, H. M. Pulham, Esq., and Beyond the Forest.
Robert Rossen: All The King’s Men, Johnny O'Clock, The Strange Love of Martha Ivers, A Child Is Born, Edge of Darkness, Out of the Fog, Blues in the Night, A Walk in the Sun, The Undercover Man, Desert Fury, and Body and Soul.
Fred Zinnemann: The Search, Kid Glove Killer, Eyes in the Night, The Clock, Act of Violence, The Seventh Cross, Little Mister Jim, and My Brother Talks to Horses.
Robert Wise: Criminal Court, The Curse of the Cat People, Mademoiselle Fifi, The Body Snatcher, Born to Kill, The Set-Up, A Game of Death, Blood on the Moon, and Mystery in Mexico.
Akira Kurosawa: Sanshiro Sugata, Sanshiro Sugata Part II, The Most Beautiful, One Wonderful Sunday, Drunken Angel, The Quiet Duel, Stray Dog, The Men Who Tread on the Tiger's Tail, and No Regrets for Our Youth.
Otto Preminger: Laura, Fallen Angel, Daisy Kenyon, Forever Amber, Whirl Pool, The Fan, Margin for Error, In the Meantime, Darling, and Centennial Summer.
Jules Dassin: Thieves' Highway, A Letter for Evie, Brute Force, Two Smart People, The Naked City, Young Ideas, The Canterville Ghost, Nazi Agent, The Tell-Tale Heart, The Affairs of Martha, and Reunion in France.
Charlie Chaplin: The Great Dictator, and Monsieur Verdoux. George Stevens: The More the Merrier, The Talk of the Town, Penny Serenade, Woman of the Year, Vigil in the Night, On Our Merry Way, The Nazi Plan, and I Remember Mama.
Yasujirô Ozu: Late Spring, Brothers and Sisters of the Toda Family, A Hen in the Wind, There Was a Father, and Record of a Tenement Gentleman.
Fritz Lang: Secret Beyond the Door, The Woman in the Window, Scarlet Street, Cloak and Dagger, Man Hunt, Ministry of Fear, Hangmen Also Die!, Western Union, Moon Tide, and The Return of Frank James.
Raoul Walsh: High Sierra, White Heat, Colorado Territory, Fighter Squadron, Silver River, Pursued, The Man I Love, Cheyenne, Uncertain Glory, Objective, Burma!, Manpower, Desperate Journey, Northern Pursuit, The Strawberry Blonde, They Died with Their Boots On, Gentleman Jim, Dark Command, and They Drive by Night.
Vincent Sherman: Nora Prentiss, Mr. Skeffington, Adventures of Don Juan, The Unfaithful, The Hard Way, Old Acquaintance, The Hasty Heart, In our Time, Pillow to Post, Janie Gets Married, Saturday's Children, The Man Who Talked Too Much, Underground, Flight from Destiny, Across the Pacific, and All Through the Night.
Anatole Litvak: The Snake Pit, City for Conquest, The Battle of Russia, Why We Fight, Sorry, Wrong Number, This Above All, The Long Night, All This, and Heaven Too, and Castle on the Hudson.
Max Ophüls: Caught, The Reckless Moment, The Exile, Letter from an Unknown Woman, Vendetta, and Sarajevo.
Charles Vidor: Gilda, Cover Girl, Over 21, The Loves of Carmen, The Tuttles of Tahiti, The Desperadoes, Together Again, A Song to Remember, The Man from Colorado, New York Town, Ladies in Retirement, My Son, My Son!, and The Lady in Question.
Edgar G. Ulmer: Detour, Isle of Forgotten Sins, Girls in Chains, Tomorrow We Live, Club Havana, The Strange Woman, My Son, the Hero, Jive Junction, Strange Illusion, Bluebeard, Her Sister's Secret, The Pirates of Capri, Ruthless, The Wife of Monte Cristo, and Carnegie Hall.
Victor Fleming: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Joan of Arc, Adventure, A Guy Named Joe, and Tortilla Flat.
Joseph L. Mankiewicz: A Letter to Three Wives, Escape, House of Strangers, The Late George Apley, The Ghost and Mrs. Muir, Dragonwyck, and Somewhere in the Night.
Robert Bresson: Angels of Sin and Les Dames du Bois de Boulogne.
Luis Buñuel: Gran Casino and The Great Madcap.
Fei Mu: Spring in a Small Town, Confucius, The Beauty, A Wedding in the Dream, The Magnificent Country, Songs of Ancient China, and The Little Cowheard.
Kenji Mizoguchi: The 47 Ronin, A Woman of Osaka, Flame of My Love, The Love of the Actress Sumako, Victory Song, Utamaro and His Five Women, Women of the Night, Victory of Women, The Famous Sword Bijomaru, Three Generations of Danjuro, The Life of an Actor, and Miyamoto Musashi.
Douglas Sirk: Lured, Sleep, My Love, Hitler's Madman, Summer Storm, A Scandal in Paris, Shockproof, and Slightly French.
René Clément: The Battle of the Rails, The Damned, Mr. Orchid, and The Walls of Malapaga.
Robert Hamer: Kind Hearts and Coronets, The Spider and the Fly, It Always Rains on Sunday, San Demetrio London, and Pink String and Sealing Wax.
Robert Siodmak: Criss Cross, Cry of The City, Dark Mirror, Phantom Lady, The Killers, The Spiral Staircase, Christmas Holiday, The Strange Affair of Uncle Harry, Time Out of Mind, Son of Dracula, The Suspect, The Night Before the Divorce, Someone to Remember, Cobra Woman, The File on Thelma Jordon, The Great Sinner, West Point Widow, My Heart Belongs to Daddy, and Fly-by-Night.
Humphrey Jennings: Spring Offensive, Welfare of the Workers, London Can Take It!, A Diary for Timothy, This Is England, Words for Battle, Fires Were Started, Listen to Britain, The Silent Village, The True Story of Lili Marlene, The Eighty Days, Myra Hess, A Defeated People, The Cumberland Story, and The Dim Little Island.
William Dieterle: Dr. Ehrlich's Magic Bullet, Kismet, This Love of Ours, Syncopation, The Searching Wind, Rope of Sand, Portrait of Jennie, The Accused, I'll Be Seeing You, A Dispatch from Reuters, The Devil and Daniel Webster, Tennessee Johnson, and Love Letters.
Edmund Goulding: The Razor's Edge, Nightmare Alley, The Shocking Miss Pilgrim, Everybody Does It, Claudia, Of Human Bondage, Flight from Folly, Forever and a Day, Old Acquaintance, The Constant Nymph, The Great Lie, and Til We Meet Again.
Luchino Visconti: Ossessione and La Terra Trema.
Ernest B. Schoedsack: Dr. Cyclops and Mighty Joe Young.
Roy Del Ruth: It Happened on 5th Avenue, Red Light, The Babe Ruth Story, The Chocolate Soldier, Topper Returns, He Married His Wife, Du Barry Was a Lady, and Ziegfeld Follies.
Rene Clair: And Then There Were None, I Married a Witch, Man About Town,It Happened Tomorrow, The Flame of New Orleans, and Forever and a Day.
John Cromwell: Victory, Abe Lincoln in Illinois, So Ends Our Night, Son of Fury: The Story of Benjamin Blake, Anna and the King of Siam, Dead Reckoning, The Enchanted Cottage, Since You Went Away, and Night Song.
Richard Fleischer: Trapped, Make Mine Laughs, The Clay Pigeon, Follow Me Quietly, Banjo, Design for Death, So This Is New York, Bodyguard, and Child of Divorce.
Norman Z. McLeod: Jackass Mail, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, Panama Hattie, The Paleface, and Little Men.
Dorothy Arzner: Dance, Girl, Dance and First Comes Courage.
George Sidney: Pilot No. 5, Holiday in Mexico, Ziegfeld Follies, Thousands Cheer, Anchors Aweigh, The Harvey Girls, Bathing Beauty, The Three Musketeers, Cass Timberlane, and The Red Danube.
Howard Hawks, John Ford, and Orson Welles are my Top Three.

Best run in terms of anything
William Wyler: The Westerner, The Heiress, The Little Foxes, The Letter, The Best Years of Our Lives, Mrs. Miniver, Memphis Belle, and Thunderbolt.
Orson Welles: Citizen Kane, The Magnificent Ambersons, The Lady from Shanghai, Macbeth, Journey into Fear, The Stranger, Black Magic, and Follow the Boys.
John Huston: The Maltese Falcon, The Treasure of the Sierra Madre, Key Largo, We Were Strangers, In This Our Life, Across the Pacific, and Let There Be Light.
Howard Hawks: Red River, I Was a Male War Bride,A Song Is Born, To Have and Have Not, The Big Sleep, Sergeant York, His Girl Friday, Air Force, and Ball of Fire.
Alfred Hitchcock: Notorious, Rebecca, Shadow of a Doubt, Spellbound, Rope, Suspicion, Under Capricorn, Foreign Correspondent, Saboteur, Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Lifeboat, and The Paradine Case.
Preston Sturges: The Palm Beach Story, Sullivan's Travels, Unfaithfully Yours, The Great Moment, The Miracle of Morgan's Creek,I Married a Witch, Christmas in July, The Lady Eve, and The Great McGinty.
George Cukor: The Philadelphia Story, Gaslight, Adam's Rib, Susan and God, Her Cardboard Lover, Keeper of the Flame, Edward, My Son, A Double Life, I'll Be Seeing You, and Desire Me.
John Ford: The Grapes of Wrath, The Long Voyage Home, Tobacco Road, How Green Was My Valley, 3 Godfathers, December 7th: The Movie, My Darling Clementine, They Were Expendable, We Sail at Midnight, Fort Apache, Torpedo Squadron ,The Battle of Midway, How to Operate Behind Enemy Lines, She Wore a Yellow Ribbon, and The Fugitive.
Jacques Tourneur: Cat People, I Walked With a Zombie, Out of the Past, Canyon Passage, The Leopard Man, Phantom Raiders, Days of Glory, Easy Living, Experiment Perilous, and Berlin Express.
Vittorio De Sica: Shoeshine, Bicycle Thieves, Heart and Soul, The Children Are Watching Us, The Gates of Heaven, A Garibaldian in the Convent, Teresa Venerdì, Maddalena, Zero for Conduct, and Red Roses.
Roberto Rossellini: Rome, Open City, Paisan, Germany, Year Zero, L'Amore, The White Ship, A Pilot Returns, and The Man with a Cross.
Ernst Lubitsch: To Be or Not to Be, The Shop Around the Corner, Heaven Can Wait, Cluny Brown, That Uncertain Feeling, A Royal Scandal, and That Lady in Ermine.
Powell and Pressburger: The Life and Death of Colonel Blimp, The Red Shoes, A Canterbury Tale, I Know Where I'm Going!, A Matter of Life and Death, Black Narcissus, Contraband, 49th Parallel, One of Our Aircraft Is Missing, The Small Back Room,and An Airman's Letter to His Mother.
Michael Curtiz: Casablanca, Mildred Pierce, The Sea Wolf, Yankee Doodle Dandy, This Is the Army, Night and Day, Romance on the High Seas, Santa Fe Trail, Virginia City, The Sea Hawk, Captains of the Clouds, Dive Bomber, Life with Father, Mission to Moscow, Janie, Passage to Marseille, Roughly Speaking, The Unsuspected, My Dream Is Yours, Flamingo Road, and The Lady Takes a Sailor.
John M. Stahl: Leave Her to Heaven, The Foxes of Harrow, The Eve of St. Mark, Our Wife, Immortal Sergeant, Holy Matrimony, The Keys of the Kingdom, The Walls of Jericho, Father Was a Fullback, and Oh, You Beautiful Doll.
Billy Wilder: The Major and the Minor, The Lost Weekend, Double Indemnity, Five Graves to Cairo, Death Mills, The Emperor Waltz, and A Foreign Affair.
Nicholas Ray: They Live by Night, A Roseanna McCoy, Woman's Secret, and Knock on Any Door.
Elia Kazan: A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, Pinky, Boomerang, The Sea of Grass, and Gentleman's Agreement.
Frank Capra: It’s a Wonderful Life, Arsenic and Old Lace, State of the Union, and Meet John Doe.
Carol Reed: The Third Man, Odd Man Out, The Fallen Idol, The Stars Look Down, Girl in the News, A Letter from Home, Kipps, The Young Mr. Pitt, Night Train to Munich, The New Lot, and The Way Ahead. David Lean: In Which We Serve, This Happy Breed, Brief Encounter, Blithe Spirit, Oliver Twist, Great Expectations, and The Passionate Friends.
Mervyn LeRoy: Waterloo Bridge, Random Harvest, Little Women, East Side, West Side, Without Reservations, Any Number Can Play, The House I Live In, Madame Curie, Thirty Seconds Over Tokyo, Blossoms in the Dust, Johnny Eager, Escape, and Homecoming.
Vincente Minnelli: Meet Me in St. Louis, I Dood It, Cabin in the Sky, Yolanda and the Thief, The Clock, Undercurrent, Ziegfeld Follies, The Pirate, Madame Bovary, and Till the Clouds Roll By. Charles Walters: Ziegfeld Follies, Easter Parade, Good News, and The Barkleys of Broadway.
Leo McCarey: The Bells of St. Mary's and Once Upon a Honeymoon.
Jean Renoir: The Woman on the Beach, The Southerner, The Diary of a Chambermaid, Swamp Water, and This Land is Mine.
Anthony Mann: Moonlight in Havana, Sing Your Way Home, My Best Gal, Nobody's Darling, Dr. Broadway, Strangers in the Night, Bamboo Blonde, Raw Deal, T-Men, Desperate, Railroaded!, Border Incident, Reign of Terror, Two O'Clock Courage, and Strange Impersonation.
King Vidor: The Fountainhead, On Our Merry Way, Duel in the Sun, An American Romance, Comrade X, Northwest Passage, H. M. Pulham, Esq., and Beyond the Forest.
Robert Rossen: All The King’s Men, Johnny O'Clock, The Strange Love of Martha Ivers, A Child Is Born, Edge of Darkness, Out of the Fog, Blues in the Night, A Walk in the Sun, The Undercover Man, Desert Fury, and Body and Soul.
Fred Zinnemann: The Search, Kid Glove Killer, Eyes in the Night, The Clock, Act of Violence, The Seventh Cross, Little Mister Jim, and My Brother Talks to Horses.
Robert Wise: Criminal Court, The Curse of the Cat People, Mademoiselle Fifi, The Body Snatcher, Born to Kill, The Set-Up, A Game of Death, Blood on the Moon, and Mystery in Mexico.
Akira Kurosawa: Sanshiro Sugata, Sanshiro Sugata Part II, The Most Beautiful, One Wonderful Sunday, Drunken Angel, The Quiet Duel, Stray Dog, The Men Who Tread on the Tiger's Tail, and No Regrets for Our Youth.
Otto Preminger: Laura, Fallen Angel, Daisy Kenyon, Forever Amber, Whirl Pool, The Fan, Margin for Error, In the Meantime, Darling, and Centennial Summer.
Jules Dassin: Thieves' Highway, A Letter for Evie, Brute Force, Two Smart People, The Naked City, Young Ideas, The Canterville Ghost, Nazi Agent, The Tell-Tale Heart, The Affairs of Martha, and Reunion in France.
Charlie Chaplin: The Great Dictator, and Monsieur Verdoux. George Stevens: The More the Merrier, The Talk of the Town, Penny Serenade, Woman of the Year, Vigil in the Night, On Our Merry Way, The Nazi Plan, and I Remember Mama.
Yasujirô Ozu: Late Spring, Brothers and Sisters of the Toda Family, A Hen in the Wind, There Was a Father, and Record of a Tenement Gentleman.
Fritz Lang: Secret Beyond the Door, The Woman in the Window, Scarlet Street, Cloak and Dagger, Man Hunt, Ministry of Fear, Hangmen Also Die!, Western Union, Moon Tide, and The Return of Frank James.
Raoul Walsh: High Sierra, White Heat, Colorado Territory, Fighter Squadron, Silver River, Pursued, The Man I Love, Cheyenne, Uncertain Glory, Objective, Burma!, Manpower, Desperate Journey, Northern Pursuit, The Strawberry Blonde, They Died with Their Boots On, Gentleman Jim, Dark Command, and They Drive by Night.
Vincent Sherman: Nora Prentiss, Mr. Skeffington, Adventures of Don Juan, The Unfaithful, The Hard Way, Old Acquaintance, The Hasty Heart, In our Time, Pillow to Post, Janie Gets Married, Saturday's Children, The Man Who Talked Too Much, Underground, Flight from Destiny, Across the Pacific, and All Through the Night.
Anatole Litvak: The Snake Pit, City for Conquest, The Battle of Russia, Why We Fight, Sorry, Wrong Number, This Above All, The Long Night, All This, and Heaven Too, and Castle on the Hudson.
Max Ophüls: Caught, The Reckless Moment, The Exile, Letter from an Unknown Woman, Vendetta, and Sarajevo.
Charles Vidor: Gilda, Cover Girl, Over 21, The Loves of Carmen, The Tuttles of Tahiti, The Desperadoes, Together Again, A Song to Remember, The Man from Colorado, New York Town, Ladies in Retirement, My Son, My Son!, and The Lady in Question.
Edgar G. Ulmer: Detour, Isle of Forgotten Sins, Girls in Chains, Tomorrow We Live, Club Havana, The Strange Woman, My Son, the Hero, Jive Junction, Strange Illusion, Bluebeard, Her Sister's Secret, The Pirates of Capri, Ruthless, The Wife of Monte Cristo, and Carnegie Hall.
Victor Fleming: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Joan of Arc, Adventure, A Guy Named Joe, and Tortilla Flat.
Joseph L. Mankiewicz: A Letter to Three Wives, Escape, House of Strangers, The Late George Apley, The Ghost and Mrs. Muir, Dragonwyck, and Somewhere in the Night.
Robert Bresson: Angels of Sin and Les Dames du Bois de Boulogne.
Luis Buñuel: Gran Casino and The Great Madcap.
Fei Mu: Spring in a Small Town, Confucius, The Beauty, A Wedding in the Dream, The Magnificent Country, Songs of Ancient China, and The Little Cowheard.
Kenji Mizoguchi: The 47 Ronin, A Woman of Osaka, Flame of My Love, The Love of the Actress Sumako, Victory Song, Utamaro and His Five Women, Women of the Night, Victory of Women, The Famous Sword Bijomaru, Three Generations of Danjuro, The Life of an Actor, and Miyamoto Musashi.
Douglas Sirk: Lured, Sleep, My Love, Hitler's Madman, Summer Storm, A Scandal in Paris, Shockproof, and Slightly French.
René Clément: The Battle of the Rails, The Damned, Mr. Orchid, and The Walls of Malapaga.
Robert Hamer: Kind Hearts and Coronets, The Spider and the Fly, It Always Rains on Sunday, San Demetrio London, and Pink String and Sealing Wax.
Robert Siodmak: Criss Cross, Cry of The City, Dark Mirror, Phantom Lady, The Killers, The Spiral Staircase, Christmas Holiday, The Strange Affair of Uncle Harry, Time Out of Mind, Son of Dracula, The Suspect, The Night Before the Divorce, Someone to Remember, Cobra Woman, The File on Thelma Jordon, The Great Sinner, West Point Widow, My Heart Belongs to Daddy, and Fly-by-Night.
Humphrey Jennings: Spring Offensive, Welfare of the Workers, London Can Take It!, A Diary for Timothy, This Is England, Words for Battle, Fires Were Started, Listen to Britain, The Silent Village, The True Story of Lili Marlene, The Eighty Days, Myra Hess, A Defeated People, The Cumberland Story, and The Dim Little Island.
William Dieterle: Dr. Ehrlich's Magic Bullet, Kismet, This Love of Ours, Syncopation, The Searching Wind, Rope of Sand, Portrait of Jennie, The Accused, I'll Be Seeing You, A Dispatch from Reuters, The Devil and Daniel Webster, Tennessee Johnson, and Love Letters.
Edmund Goulding: The Razor's Edge, Nightmare Alley, The Shocking Miss Pilgrim, Everybody Does It, Claudia, Of Human Bondage, Flight from Folly, Forever and a Day, Old Acquaintance, The Constant Nymph, The Great Lie, and Til We Meet Again.
Luchino Visconti: Ossessione and La Terra Trema.
Ernest B. Schoedsack: Dr. Cyclops and Mighty Joe Young.
Roy Del Ruth: It Happened on 5th Avenue, Red Light, The Babe Ruth Story, The Chocolate Soldier, Topper Returns, He Married His Wife, Du Barry Was a Lady, and Ziegfeld Follies.
Rene Clair: And Then There Were None, I Married a Witch, Man About Town,It Happened Tomorrow, The Flame of New Orleans, and Forever and a Day.
John Cromwell: Victory, Abe Lincoln in Illinois, So Ends Our Night, Son of Fury: The Story of Benjamin Blake, Anna and the King of Siam, Dead Reckoning, The Enchanted Cottage, Since You Went Away, and Night Song.
Richard Fleischer: Trapped, Make Mine Laughs, The Clay Pigeon, Follow Me Quietly, Banjo, Design for Death, So This Is New York, Bodyguard, and Child of Divorce.
Norman Z. McLeod: Jackass Mail, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, Panama Hattie, The Paleface, and Little Men.
Dorothy Arzner: Dance, Girl, Dance and First Comes Courage.
George Sidney: Pilot No. 5, Holiday in Mexico, Ziegfeld Follies, Thousands Cheer, Anchors Aweigh, The Harvey Girls, Bathing Beauty, The Three Musketeers, Cass Timberlane, and The Red Danube.

All of a sudden I got 4 Celebrities and I really don’t need them right now and need to clear my Lobby! These are the floors I currently have so send over a bit you want to convert-I’ll even convert them to gold if needed!
Food * Airline Food * BBQ Place (Austin BBQ) * Bakery * Burrito Bar (Chip Throttle) * Cheese Shop * Coffee Shop(Stardollars) * Donut Shop * Frozen Yogurt (Blueberry) * Italian Food (Tortellini's) * Pancake House (IJUMP) * Pub (The Blazin Foot) * Scoops (Hotrock Creamery) * Seafood * Shrimp Buffet (Insect Of Da Sea) * Sky Burger * Smoothie Shop (Jumbo Juice) * Sub Shop (Subdirection) * Sushi Bar (Sa Shaymi) * Vegan Food (Eat Mor Chikn)
Retail * Bike Shop (Stay In Ur Lane) * Bling Jewelers * Book Store * Brick Store * Candle Shop * Candy Shoppe * Comic Store * Game Store * Grocery Store * Hat Shop * Joey Bitton * Legit Watches * Mapple Store * Men's Fashion (Small and Short) * Pet Shop * Plant Nursery (Plant N Grow) * Record Shop * Surf Shop * Women's Fashion
Recreation * Aquarium * Arcade * Boxing Gym * Broadway Theatre * Casino * Circus * Comedy Club (Lots of Love) * Golf Sim * Haunted House (House of Terror) * Karaoke Club * Mini Golf * Museum * Night Club (Mood Element) * Park (Middle Park) * Planetarium * Racquetball * Tiger Magic * Volleyball Club (Salt & Pepper) * Wax Museum (Madam Corsage)
Creative * Ad Agency * Art Studio * Cake Studio (Batter Up) * Chocolatier (Billy Bonkas) * Costume Shop * Creative Ink * Dance Studio (Twist & Shout) * Fashion Studio * Floral Studio (Wat In Carnation) * Game Studio * Metal Studio (Heavy Metal) * Photo Studio (Shoot To Thrill) * Pottery Studio (Kilning It) * Soda Brewery * Superhero Lab * TV Studio * Wood Shop (Lumber Hacks)
Service * Bank * Barbershop (Subpar Cuts) * Dentist's Office * Doctor's Office * Doggy Daycare * Fortune Teller (Palm Spirits) * Health Club (Inshape Galaxy) * Laundromat * Law Offices * Pharmacy * Plumber (Drain-Woah) * Recycling * Security Office * Stables * Style Salon * Travel Agency (Travelotiny) * Tutoring Center * Wedding Chapel

Best run in terms of anything
William Wyler: The Westerner, The Heiress, The Little Foxes, The Letter, The Best Years of Our Lives, Mrs. Miniver, Memphis Belle, and Thunderbolt.
Orson Welles: Citizen Kane, The Magnificent Ambersons, The Lady from Shanghai, Macbeth, Journey into Fear, The Stranger, Black Magic, and Follow the Boys.
John Huston: The Maltese Falcon, The Treasure of the Sierra Madre, Key Largo, We Were Strangers, In This Our Life, Across the Pacific, and Let There Be Light.
Howard Hawks: Red River, I Was a Male War Bride,A Song Is Born, To Have and Have Not, The Big Sleep, Sergeant York, His Girl Friday, Air Force, and Ball of Fire.
Alfred Hitchcock: Notorious, Rebecca, Shadow of a Doubt, Spellbound, Rope, Suspicion, Under Capricorn, Foreign Correspondent, Saboteur, Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Lifeboat, and The Paradine Case.
Preston Sturges: The Palm Beach Story, Sullivan's Travels, Unfaithfully Yours, The Great Moment, The Miracle of Morgan's Creek,I Married a Witch, Christmas in July, The Lady Eve, and The Great McGinty.
George Cukor: The Philadelphia Story, Gaslight, Adam's Rib, Susan and God, Her Cardboard Lover, Keeper of the Flame, Edward, My Son, A Double Life, I'll Be Seeing You, and Desire Me.
John Ford: The Grapes of Wrath, The Long Voyage Home, Tobacco Road, How Green Was My Valley, We Sail at Midnight, Sex Hygiene, 3 Godfathers, My Darling Clementine, Torpedo Squadron,December 7th: The Movie,They Were Expendable, Fort Apache, The Battle of Midway, She Wore a Yellow Ribbon, and The Fugitive.
Jacques Tourneur: Cat People, I Walked With a Zombie, Out of the Past, Canyon Passage, The Leopard Man, Phantom Raiders, Days of Glory, Easy Living, Experiment Perilous, and Berlin Express.
Vittorio De Sica: Shoeshine, Bicycle Thieves, Heart and Soul, The Children Are Watching Us, The Gates of Heaven, A Garibaldian in the Convent, Teresa Venerdì, Maddalena, Zero for Conduct, and Red Roses.
Roberto Rossellini: Rome, Open City, Paisan, Germany, Year Zero, L'Amore, The White Ship, A Pilot Returns, and The Man with a Cross.
Ernst Lubitsch: To Be or Not to Be, The Shop Around the Corner, Heaven Can Wait, Cluny Brown, That Uncertain Feeling, A Royal Scandal, and That Lady in Ermine.
Powell and Pressburger: The Life and Death of Colonel Blimp, The Red Shoes, A Canterbury Tale, I Know Where I'm Going!, A Matter of Life and Death, Black Narcissus, Contraband, 49th Parallel, One of Our Aircraft Is Missing,The Small Back Room,and An Airman's Letter to His Mother.
Michael Curtiz: Casablanca, Mildred Pierce, The Sea Wolf, Yankee Doodle Dandy, This Is the Army, Night and Day, Romance on the High Seas, Santa Fe Trail, Virginia City, The Sea Hawk, Captains of the Clouds, Dive Bomber, Life with Father, Mission to Moscow, Janie, Passage to Marseille, Roughly Speaking, The Unsuspected, My Dream Is Yours, Flamingo Road, and The Lady Takes a Sailor.
John M. Stahl: Leave Her to Heaven, The Foxes of Harrow, The Eve of St. Mark, Our Wife, Immortal Sergeant, Holy Matrimony, The Keys of the Kingdom, The Walls of Jericho, Father Was a Fullback, and Oh, You Beautiful Doll.
Billy Wilder: The Major and the Minor, The Lost Weekend, Double Indemnity, Five Graves to Cairo, Death Mills, The Emperor Waltz, and A Foreign Affair.
Nicholas Ray: They Live by Night, A Woman's Secret, and Knock on Any Door.
Elia Kazan: A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, Pinky, Boomerang, The Sea of Grass, and Gentleman's Agreement.
Frank Capra: It’s a Wonderful Life, Arsenic and Old Lace, State of the Union, and Meet John Doe.
Carol Reed: The Third Man, Odd Man Out, The Fallen Idol, The Stars Look Down, Girl in the News, A Letter from Home, Kipps, The Young Mr. Pitt, Night Train to Munich, The New Lot, and The Way Ahead.
David Lean: In Which We Serve, This Happy Breed, Brief Encounter, Blithe Spirit, Oliver Twist, Great Expectations, and The Passionate Friends.
Mervyn LeRoy: Waterloo Bridge, Random Harvest, Little Women, East Side, West Side, Without Reservations, Any Number Can Play, The House I Live In, Madame Curie, Thirty Seconds Over Tokyo, Blossoms in the Dust, Johnny Eager, Escape, and Homecoming.
Vincente Minnelli: Meet Me in St. Louis, I Dood It, Cabin in the Sky, Yolanda and the Thief, The Clock, Undercurrent, Ziegfeld Follies, The Pirate, Madame Bovary, and Till the Clouds Roll By.
Charles Walters: Ziegfeld Follies, Easter Parade, Good News, and The Barkleys of Broadway.
Leo McCarey: The Bells of St. Mary's and Once Upon a Honeymoon.
Jean Renoir: The Woman on the Beach, The Southerner, The Diary of a Chambermaid, Swamp Water, and This Land is Mine.
Anthony Mann: Moonlight in Havana, Sing Your Way Home, My Best Gal, Nobody's Darling, Dr. Broadway, Strangers in the Night, Bamboo Blonde, Raw Deal, T-Men, Desperate, Railroaded!, Border Incident, Reign of Terror, Two O'Clock Courage, and Strange Impersonation.
King Vidor: The Fountainhead, On Our Merry Way, Duel in the Sun, An American Romance, Comrade X, Northwest Passage, H. M. Pulham, Esq., and Beyond the Forest.
Robert Rossen: All The King’s Men, Johnny O'Clock, The Strange Love of Martha Ivers, A Child Is Born, Edge of Darkness, Out of the Fog, Blues in the Night, A Walk in the Sun, The Undercover Man, Desert Fury, and Body and Soul.
Fred Zinnemann: The Search, Kid Glove Killer, Eyes in the Night, The Clock, Act of Violence, The Seventh Cross, Little Mister Jim, and My Brother Talks to Horses.
Robert Wise: Criminal Court, The Curse of the Cat People, Mademoiselle Fifi, The Body Snatcher, Born to Kill, The Set-Up, A Game of Death, Blood on the Moon, and Mystery in Mexico.
Akira Kurosawa: Sanshiro Sugata, Sanshiro Sugata Part II, The Most Beautiful, One Wonderful Sunday, Drunken Angel, The Quiet Duel, Stray Dog, The Men Who Tread on the Tiger's Tail, and No Regrets for Our Youth.
Otto Preminger: Laura, Fallen Angel, Daisy Kenyon, Forever Amber, Whirl Pool, The Fan, Margin for Error, In the Meantime, Darling, and Centennial Summer.
Jules Dassin: Thieves' Highway, A Letter for Evie, Brute Force, Two Smart People, The Naked City, Young Ideas, The Canterville Ghost, Nazi Agent, The Tell-Tale Heart, The Affairs of Martha, and Reunion in France.
Charlie Chaplin: The Great Dictator, and Monsieur Verdoux.
George Stevens: The More the Merrier, The Talk of the Town, Penny Serenade, Woman of the Year, Vigil in the Night, On Our Merry Way, The Nazi Plan, and I Remember Mama.
Yasujirô Ozu: Late Spring, Brothers and Sisters of the Toda Family, A Hen in the Wind, There Was a Father, and Record of a Tenement Gentleman.
Fritz Lang: Secret Beyond the Door, The Woman in the Window, Scarlet Street, Cloak and Dagger, Man Hunt, Ministry of Fear, Hangmen Also Die!, Western Union, Moon Tide, and The Return of Frank James.
Raoul Walsh: High Sierra, White Heat, Colorado Territory, Fighter Squadron, Silver River, Pursued, The Man I Love, Cheyenne, Uncertain Glory, Objective, Burma!, Manpower, Desperate Journey, Northern Pursuit, The Strawberry Blonde, They Died with Their Boots On, Gentleman Jim, Dark Command, and They Drive by Night.
Vincent Sherman: Nora Prentiss, Mr. Skeffington, Adventures of Don Juan, The Unfaithful, The Hard Way, Old Acquaintance, The Hasty Heart, In our Time, Pillow to Post, Janie Gets Married, Saturday's Children, The Man Who Talked Too Much, Underground, Flight from Destiny, Across the Pacific, and All Through the Night.
Anatole Litvak: The Snake Pit, City for Conquest, The Battle of Russia, Why We Fight, Sorry, Wrong Number, This Above All, The Long Night, All This, and Heaven Too, and Castle on the Hudson.
Max Ophüls: Caught, The Reckless Moment, The Exile, Letter from an Unknown Woman, Vendetta, and Sarajevo.
Charles Vidor: Gilda, Cover Girl, Over 21, The Loves of Carmen, The Tuttles of Tahiti, The Desperadoes, Together Again, A Song to Remember, The Man from Colorado, New York Town, Ladies in Retirement, My Son, My Son!, and The Lady in Question.
Edgar G. Ulmer: Detour, Isle of Forgotten Sins, Girls in Chains, Tomorrow We Live, Club Havana, The Strange Woman, My Son, the Hero, Jive Junction, Strange Illusion, Bluebeard, Her Sister's Secret, The Pirates of Capri, Ruthless, The Wife of Monte Cristo, and Carnegie Hall.
Maya Daren: At Land, Meshes of the Afternoon, A Study for Choreography for Camera, Ritual in Transfigured Time, and Meditation on Violence.
Victor Fleming: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Joan of Arc, Adventure, A Guy Named Joe, and Tortilla Flat.
Joseph L. Mankiewicz: A Letter to Three Wives, Escape, House of Strangers, The Late George Apley, The Ghost and Mrs. Muir, Dragonwyck, and Somewhere in the Night.
Robert Bresson: Angels of Sin and Les Dames du Bois de Boulogne.
Luis Buñuel: Gran Casino and The Great Madcap.
Fei Mu: Spring in a Small Town, Confucius, The Beauty, A Wedding in the Dream, The Magnificent Country, Songs of Ancient China, and The Little Cowheard.
Kenji Mizoguchi: The 47 Ronin, A Woman of Osaka, Flame of My Love, The Love of the Actress Sumako, Victory Song, Utamaro and His Five Women, Women of the Night, Victory of Women, The Famous Sword Bijomaru, Three Generations of Danjuro, The Life of an Actor, and Miyamoto Musashi.
Douglas Sirk: Lured, Sleep, My Love, Hitler's Madman, Summer Storm, A Scandal in Paris, Shockproof, and Slightly French.
René Clément: The Battle of the Rails, The Damned, Mr. Orchid, and The Walls of Malapaga.
Robert Hamer: Kind Hearts and Coronets, The Spider and the Fly, It Always Rains on Sunday, San Demetrio London, and Pink String and Sealing Wax.
Robert Siodmak: Criss Cross, Cry of The City, Dark Mirror, Phantom Lady, The Killers, The Spiral Staircase, Christmas Holiday, The Strange Affair of Uncle Harry, Time Out of Mind, Son of Dracula, The Suspect, The Night Before the Divorce, Someone to Remember, Cobra Woman, The File on Thelma Jordon, The Great Sinner, West Point Widow, My Heart Belongs to Daddy, and Fly-by-Night.
Humphrey Jennings: Spring Offensive, Welfare of the Workers, London Can Take It!, A Diary for Timothy, This Is England, Words for Battle, Fires Were Started, Listen to Britain, The Silent Village, The True Story of Lili Marlene, The Eighty Days, Myra Hess, A Defeated People, The Cumberland Story, and The Dim Little Island.
William Dieterle: Dr. Ehrlich's Magic Bullet, Kismet, This Love of Ours, Syncopation, The Searching Wind, Rope of Sand, Portrait of Jennie, The Accused, I'll Be Seeing You, A Dispatch from Reuters, The Devil and Daniel Webster, Tennessee Johnson, and Love Letters.
Edmund Goulding: The Razor's Edge, Nightmare Alley, The Shocking Miss Pilgrim, Everybody Does It, Claudia, Of Human Bondage, Flight from Folly, Forever and a Day, Old Acquaintance, The Constant Nymph, The Great Lie, and Til We Meet Again.
Luchino Visconti: Ossessione and La Terra Trema.
Ernest B. Schoedsack: Dr. Cyclops and Mighty Joe Young.
Roy Del Ruth: It Happened on 5th Avenue, Red Light, The Babe Ruth Story, The Chocolate Soldier, Topper Returns, He Married His Wife, Du Barry Was a Lady, and Ziegfeld Follies.
Rene Clair: And Then There Were None, I Married a Witch, Man About Town,It Happened Tomorrow, The Flame of New Orleans, and Forever and a Day.
John Cromwell: Victory, Abe Lincoln in Illinois, So Ends Our Night, Son of Fury: The Story of Benjamin Blake, Anna and the King of Siam, Dead Reckoning, The Enchanted Cottage, Since You Went Away, and Night Song.
Richard Fleischer: Trapped, Make Mine Laughs, The Clay Pigeon, Follow Me Quietly, Banjo, Design for Death, So This Is New York, Bodyguard, and Child of Divorce.
Norman Z. McLeod: Jackass Mail, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, Panama Hattie, The Paleface, and Little Men.
Dorothy Arzner: Dance, Girl, Dance and First Comes Courage.
George Sidney: Pilot No. 5, Holiday in Mexico, Ziegfeld Follies, Thousands Cheer, Anchors Aweigh, The Harvey Girls, Bathing Beauty, The Three Musketeers, Cass Timberlane, and The Red Danube.