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With the remaster of Burnout Paradise release soon and worked on by Criterion and Stellar Entertainment (see Paul Ross for details on that company) I thought it might be fun to make a thread and track down the devs. If you want some additional reading about Burnout, Three Fields released a history about how it started in January.
For a quick summary, Criterion was originally a 3d graphics rendering technology company owned by Canon. It was spun out and became the “modern” Criterion Games in 1999/2000. In 2004 it was purchased by EA.
Most info/quotes are from company websites and LinkedIn. Now, this thread is long enough already, so let’s get started (this thread is long enough that I’ll have to go into the comments to finish the thread.
Fiona Sperry worked as EA Criterion Studio GM. Sperry helped form the modern Criterion Games and previously worked at McGraw-Hill. In 2014 she left and co-founded Three Fields Entertainment.
Alex Ward worked as creative director. Ward helped form the modern Criterion Games and previously worked at Acclaim. He continued to work at Criterion until 2014 (including a unreleased game codenamed “Adventure”) when he co-founded Three Fields Entertainment.
Peter Hawley worked as executive producer. Hawley previously worked at companies including Lionhead (where he was one of the first employees) and Sony. He joined Criterion in late 2005 and in 2009 became vice president of product development at EA. In 2010 he joined Crowdstar before co-founding Red Robot Labs in 2011, where he worked at CPO and later CEO until 2014. He next joined Zynga before coming CEO of Telltale Games in September 2017.
Craig Sullivan worked as lead designer. Sullivan joined Criterion in 1997 and was the first game designer for the studio. He previously worked at Millenium Interactive as a designetester. In 2009 he became creative director at the company before joining Ghost Games in 2013. Sullivan left Ghost Games at the end of 2016, and in May 2017 joined Amazon.
Jon Lawrence worked as senior development director. Lawrence joined EA in 1998 and worked on series including Harry Potter, F1 and Black. In 2012 Lawrence left to work at Sky before returning to EA shortly in 2013. Later that year Lawrence joined Microsoft as development director, and worked on Warface. In 2015 he joined Natural Motion before joining Digit Game Studios in 2017 as director of production.
Steve Uphill worked as art director. Uphill previously worked at Kuju Entertainment before joining Criterion in 2002. In 2008 Uphill left Criterion and joined Black Rock Studio to work as art director on Split/Second. In 2011 he co-founded ShortRound Games where he worked as art director. In 2016 Uphill returned to Criterion and is currently studio art director.
Stephen Root worked as audio director. Root worked at Acclaim for five years as head of audio before joining Criterion in 2000. In 2008 Root left Criterion and joined Codemasters, where he is currently VP of development creative services.
Olly Read worked as a technical director. Read joined Criterion in 1999 and worked at the company until 2011. In 2012 Read started work as a “game programming ninja” at Escapist Games.
Paul Ross worked as a technical director. Ross joined Criterion in 1996 and worked as CTO before leaving in 2014. He next worked at Three Fields Entertainment before leaving in 2016. Ross next founded Stellar Entertainment in 2016, which is making Burnout Paradise Remastered.
Pete Lake worked as a producer. Lake worked as an artist for early Criterion games before starting production on Paradise. In 2010 Lake worked as a producer for Harry Potter and The Sims. In 2013 he returned to Criterion.
San Shepherd worked as a producer. Shepherd previously worked at EA and Pyro Studios before rejoining EA in 2006. Near the end of 2008 Shepherd left and in 2009 joined Zero Point Software as a board member. At the same time, Shepherd co-founded Escapist Games and became director for European Construction Company. Since 1990 Shepherd has also been director of Citilet Booking, and in 1997 founded The Copenhagen Post, where he worked as CEO for five years. He also produced weekly music shows for Danish TV in the 90s.
Matt Webster worked as a producer. Webster joined EA in 1990 and worked on games including Syndicate, Theme Park and Populous II. He also created the initial concept for the first Fifa game and associate produced the game. After EA purchased Criterion Webster joined the company as producer. In 2013 he became GM of Criterion.
Hamish Young worked as a producer. Young joined Criterion in 1999 and had worked as a technical director and a lead programmer on previous Burnout games. Young continued to work at Criterion until 2013, when he joined Avalanche Studios (for quick reference this is the Just Cause studio, not the Disney Infinity one) where he works as a designer.
Steve Cuss worked as a development manager. Cuss worked at IBM and Intelligent Games before joining EA in 2003. Since 2005 Cuss has worked as a producer for Criterion.
Helen King worked as a development manager. King joined Criterion in 2006 but left in 2009 and joined Codemasters, where they worked on Bodycount. After leaving in 2011 King joined Deepmind in 2012, which was later bought by Google.
Radek Majder worked as a development manager. Majder previously worked at companies like Plastic Wax, Forte Studios and Perception before joining EA in 2006. Majder worked as development director at EA until 2013. In 2014 they joined BBC where they worked until 2017. They are currently head of development management at Mclaren Applied Technology.
Alan McDairmant worked as a development manager. McDairmant previously worked at Inner Workings, Data Design & Artwork, Red Lemon Studios and Visual Science before joining Criterion in 2005. McDairmant continues to work at EA/Criterion and most recently has worked as a director of product development/studio leadership on games such as Battlefront 2, Battlefield 1 and Need for Speed.
Dan McDonald worked as a development manager. McDonald previously worked in QA on series like Burnout, Harry Potter and Populous. McDonald did interviews for Burnout Crash and seemingly left Criterion afterwards. He was credited as a production manager for Until Dawn in 2015.
Sheri Patterson worked as a development manager. Patterson previously worked at Pixar (on the Incredibles, Finding Nemo and Boundin’), Blue Sky and Charlex before joining Criterion in 2006. In 2008 she left and worked as a producer for various companies including DreamWorks and Disney (on Frozen). Patterson also worked with companies including Apple, Google and Land Rover.
Cath Schell worked as production coordinator. Schell first appeared in Criterion credits in 2002, and is still with the company. She posts a lot of mushrooms.
Charnjit Bansi worked as a designer. Bansi previously worked at Codemasters before joining Criterion in 2005. In 2009 Bansi joined Bizarre Creations as a/the game director (Activision doesn’t tend to give detailed credits so I can’t tell if Bansi was the only person with the role). After consulting for a month in 2011 at Neversoft Bansi joined Sledgehammer Games as a/the development director.
Richard Bunn worked as a designer. Bunn previously worked in QA at Sony and as a level designer at Argonaut before joining Criterion in 2004. Bunn worked on the design of the “open-world traffic system, vehicle A.I. behaviours and the Crash Mode gameplay,” for the game. After leaving Criterion in 2007 Bunn rejoined Sony where he worked for three years on the original version of Until Dawn and the canceled Eight Days. After leaving in 2011, Bunn has worked at Mindshapes, Nice Touch and most recently Aceviral.
Matt Follett worked as a designer. Follett joined EA in 1999 working in QA and design. He joined Criterion in 2008 after working on previous Burnout games, and worked on algorithms and scripting for Paradise along with the PC version. Follett later became a lead at Criterion before leaving in 2014. Since then he has worked for Boss Alien.
Paul Glancey worked as a designer. Glancey previously worked as an editor for games magazines in the late 80s/early 90s before joining Eidos in 1998. He joined EA in 2000 before leaving in 2008. He next worked as design director on Split/Second before joining Ubisoft in 2010. In 2012 Glancey returned to Criterion.
Tommy Hudson worked as a designer. Hudson joined Criterion in 2005 and worked at the company until the end of 2010. Hudson next joined DICE where they worked on Battlefield. In 2013 Hudson joined Remedy and worked on Quantum Break. They are currently lead designer on a new game at Remedy.
Oliver Reid-Smith worked as a designer. Reid-Smith joined Criterion in 2004 before leaving in 2010. They worked as a lead designer on Split/Second before becoming a freelance consultant in 2012. Reid-Smith has worked on games including The Room, Disney Infinity and Blackwood Crossing.
Steve Watt worked as a designer. Watt joined EA in 2004 and worked as lead online designer. In 2008 Watt left and joined Codemasters where they worked as lead designer. After the closure of the Guildford studio in 2011, Watt did some freelance in 2012. Later that year, Watt joined Microsoft.
Ben Earnshaw worked as a level designer. Earnshaw worked on AI and planned race routes for the game, before leaving at the end of 2007. He next joined Dark Energy Digital as a designer on Hydrophobia. In 2010 Earnshaw left the gaming industry and joined his family’s woodworking company.
Mata Haggis worked as a level designer. Haggis previously worked at Channel 4 and MTV before joining Criterion for 2007. Haggis worked on building the world and make it seem believable. In 2008 he joined Rebellion where he worked as a designer on Alien vs Predator and PDC World Championship Darts Pro Tour. After leaving Rebellion in 2010 Haggis lectured at NHTV for five years before becoming a professor. From 2013 to 2016 he worked with Sassybot freelance, and since 2000 has worked as a game designer with Matazone.
Dave Sage worked as a level designer. Sage joined Criterion in 2007 after short work lecturing. In 2008 Sage left and joined Codemasters, where he worked until 2011. Since then Sage has worked for various groups teaching, and currently is general manager of a cafe/bicycling company.
Jason RM Smith worked as associate CG supervisor. Smith joined EA in 1998 and worked at Bullfrog and EA UK before joining Criterion. At the end of 2007 Smith left and joined Lucasarts where he worked on The Force Unleashed, 1313 and other games. When Lucasarts closed Smith co-founded Soma Play where he worked until 2017. He currently is a creative consultant.
Richard Franke worked as a lead artist. Franke worked as an artist for Scavenger and Mucky Foot before joining EA in 2002. At the end of year Franke joined Criterion, where he worked until 2012. After leaving Franke founded Magic Notion where he has made games and worked as a contract artist for Media Molecule.
Mark Hamilton worked as a lead artist. In 2008 Hamilton left Criterion and co-founded Fireproof Games.
John Lewis worked as a lead artist. Lewis worked as an artist at ICE, DA Group and Bits Studios before joining Criterion in 2005. In 2012 Lewis left and joined Codemasters. Lewis is currently art director at the studio.
James Lipscomb worked as a lead artist. Lipscomb worked at Line One, Red Hot Chilli and Orange Crush before joining EA in 2002. In 2009 Lipscomb left and joined Disney where he worked on Split/Second. At the end of 2011 Lipscomb joined Lucasarts where he worked until the company’s closure. After that he worked at Rumble, Gaia Interactive and Linekong working in UI and UX. He is currently director of UX at pocket gems.
Neil Manners worked as a lead artist. Manners seems to have joined Criterion in the mid-90s. He seems to still be at EA, last working as a senior animator on Need for Speed Payback.
Barry Meade worked as a lead artist. Meade joined the studio in 2003 after working at PCSL, Bullfrog, Scavenger, Negative Productions, Mucky Foot and Iguana. Meade worked mostly on the lighting for Paradise. In 2008 Meade left Criterion and helped found Fireproof Games, where he currently works.
Yuta Nakamura worked as a lead artist. Nakamura worked for Video Systems before joining EA in 2001. Nakamura went on to work as a art director on Need for Speed games before joining DICE in 2016.
David Rack worked as a lead artist. Rack joined Criterion in 2003 and worked at Criterion until 2008. After leaving Rack co-founded Fireproof Games, where he is currently a lead artist.
Damien Rayfield worked as a lead artist. Rayfield worked at Rebellion before joining Criterion in 2004. In 2008 Rayfield left and co-founded Fireproof Games.
Roger Schembri worked as a lead artist. Schembri worked as a graphic designer before joining Criterion in 2004. Schembri worked on UI before leaving in 2008 to work as a lead UI artist at Codemasters. At the end of 2010 Schembri left and joined Fireproof Games.
Chris Cannon worked as an artist. Cannon joined Criterion in 2005 after animating and storyboarding for various companies. In 2008 Cannon left and co-founded Fireproof Games, where he is a lead designer.
Max Cant worked as an artist. Cant joined Criterion in 2005 and worked as an environmental lead. In 2008 Cant left and joined Codemasters as an art director. After leaving Codemasters in 2011, Cant worked for six months at both Koyoki and Vatra Games. At the end of 2012 Cant joined Deepmind, which was later bought by Google.
Tony Cartwright worked as an artist. Cartwright “worked for a several game companies, some that he would prefer not to mention, working on titles that he’d also prefer not to mention.” (mostly movie tie-ins) before joining Criterion. In 2008 Cartwright left and co-founded Fireproof Games, where he is currently a lead artist.
Ingmar Clarysse worked as an artist. Clarysse worked at Larian and Argonaut before joining EA in 2004 as a VFX artist. In 2008 Clarysse left and joined Rocksteady Games, where he works as lead on VFX on the Arkham series.
Will Evans worked as an artist. Evans worked at Teletext before joining Criterion in 2005. In 2009 Evans joined Codemasters before joining Supermassive Games in 2010. After leaving in 2014 and working for 9 months at Rodeo Games, Evans co-founded Playsport Games in 2015.
Dave Flynn worked as an artist. Flynn joined the games industry in 1991 working at Storm Education Software. Flynn also worked at Oregan Software, The Automotive Association and Interactive Studios/Blitz Games (including work on Glover) as well as co-founding Paradise Games. In 2003 Flynn joined Criterion before leaving in 2008 and joining Slightly Mad Studios.
Nicole Gabriel worked as an artist. Gabriel worked as a 3D modeler for various architecture groups before joining EA in 2005. Gabriel worked on the art for Paradise City before leaving in 2009 to work as a freelance artist.
Derek Germain worked as an artist. Germain worked at Bits Studio before joining EA in 2005 as an environmental artist. In 2009 Germain left before joining Slightly Mad Studios as a snr artist. In 2011 Germain left and joined FIreproof Games, where he is a senior artist.
Jack Griffin worked as an artist. Griffin joined Criterion in 2005 before moving into management in 2012. Griffin is currently development direction at the company.
Ben Hall worked as an artist. Hall joined Criterion in 2005. On Paradise he worked on vehicles and later the environment. Hall moved into world design for later Criterion games before becoming lead. In 2013 Hall moved to Ghost Games for five months before working on Battlefield Hardline as an artist for seven months. In 2014 Hall joined Ubisoft where he worked as a level designer on Assassin’s Creed Syndicate. He is currently working as world director on an unannounced game from Ubisoft Quebec.
James Hans worked as an artist. Hans ran Infinite Detail before joining Criterion in 2001. In 2011 Hans became a producer at Criterion before leaving in 2014. Since leaving, Hans has worked as an artist/producer at Natural Motion.
Scott Harber worked as an artist. Harber joined Criterion in 2003 and worked as a technical artist on Paradise. In 2013 Harber worked for a year as technical art director on an unannounced EA game before working on Battlefield Hardline. In 2014 Harber left and started Sc0tt Games which he ran for a year before joining Natural Motion as lead technical artist.
Young Jin Park worked as an artist. I’m unable to find additional information about what Park did (they are credited on Black and Burnout Dominator, but their Mobygames page is mixed with another person with the same name).
Jin Jung worked as an artist. They were last credited with Hot Pursuit, but I’m unable to find any additional information.
Quyen Lam worked as an artist. Lam worked shortly at La Paraguas and Axis Animation before joining Criterion in 2005. In 2008 Lam left and joined Ubisoft, where he worked on Driver: San Francisco. After a short three months at Slightly Mad, Lam joined Rockstar as an environmental artist in 2010.
Kwok Law worked as an artist. Law previously worked on films and television like Harry Potter before joining Criterion in 2005 as a level artist. In 2008 Law left and joined Doublesix Games, where he was a seniolead artist. In 2012 Law left and joined Born Ready before joining Digicub nine months later. In 2013 he co-founded Polynation Games until 2016, when he founded Massive Kwok.
Steve Leney worked as an artist. Leney worked at Mindscape for most of the 90s before joining EA in 1998. In 2008 Leney left and joined Relentless Software, where he worked until 2016. Since leaving Leney has worked as an artist at Make Real.
Mikael Mettania worked as an artist. Mettania worked at Atari and Eutechnyx before joining Criterion in 2005. He worked as a senior vehicle artist on Paradise and a world artist on the DLC. In 2013 Mettania moved over to Ghost Games for seven months before joining Natural Motion as art director in 2014.
Lyndon Munt worked as an artist. In college, Munt worked on Driv3r before joining Criterion in 2004. In 2010 Munt left and joined Fireproof Games, where he is currently a senior artist.
Ben Murch worked as an artist. Murch previously worked at Rebellion before joining Criterion in 2005. In 2007 Murch left and joined Codemasters as a senior artist. In 2010 Murch co-founded Rodeo Games. In 2016 he co-founded Perchang.
Adriaan Pottas worked as an artist. Pottas previously worked at Three Blind Mice and Indestructible Productions before joining EA in 2005. In 2009 Pottas left and worked for a year at Ignition London as a senior artist. Since 2010 Pottas has lectured at Southampton Solent University.
Richard Thomassen worked as an artist. Thomassen worked at Psygnosis for a year before joining Criterion in 1998. In 2013 Thomassen moved to Ghost Games before returning to Criterion the following year.
Marcus Wainwright worked as an artist. Wainwright worked for a year at Rebellion and joined Criterion in 2005. At the end of 2008 Wainwright left and soon joined Codemasters, where he worked until the start of 2012. After a year at Climax Wainwright joined Deepmind in 2013, and is currently a senior technical artist.
Chris Walley worked as an artist. Walley previously worked at Revolution Software before joining Criterion in 2001. On Paradise Walley was lead previs artist. In 2008 Walley left and became director at Escapist Games.
Sam White worked as an artist. White joined EA in 2005 and worked as a graphic designer and GUI artist. In 2009 White left and joined Supermassive Games as an interface artist. In 2015 White left and became director at Playsport Games.
Iain Angus worked as a lead programmer. Angus was an intern at APR Smartlogik before joining Criterion in 2002. In 2011 Angus left and joined VLI before joining Konami in 2013. In 2015 he joined Lionhead until its closure in 2016. He currently works as a development manager at Creative Assembly.
Chris Cummings worked as a lead programmer. Cummings previously worked at Eutechnyx before joining Criterion in 2004. In 2009 he left and joined joined Media Molecule. In 2015 Cummings spent a year at Hello Games working as a programmer on No Man’s Sky before joining Happy Robot Games and Future Tech Labs in 2016.
Alex Fry worked as a lead programmer. Fry joined Criterion after college and worked on rendering. Sometime in the last few years Fry moved over to EA Guildford and currently works on rendering for Frostbite. If you want to learn more, Fry did an interview with EA
Andy Hubbard worked as a lead programmer. Hubbard joined Criterion in 2004 working on physics. In 2008 Hubbard joined Black Rock Studios to work on Split/Second before becoming director of ShortRound in 2011.
Mark Huntley worked as a lead programmer. Huntley worked at Bullfrog from 1993 to 2000 before joining EA. After some Harry Potter games Huntley worked on Paradise. At the end of 2010 he left EA and in 2011 joined Codemasters as a lead programmetechnical director on for online. In 2013 he moved to Lionhead where he worked until the company’s closure. Since then he has worked as a technical program manager at Highlight - See Clearly.
Steve Lucas worked as a lead programmer. Lucas worked at IBM for around a year before joining Criterion in 1998. In 2013 Lucas moved to Canada and became a technical director at EA.
Toby Nelson worked as a lead programmer. I’m unable to find out much info about Nelson. Their first game as part of Criterion was AirBlade and they directed Burnout Crash.
Tad Swift worked as a lead programmer. Swift worked for about a decade in programming/consultation before studying games programming in 2003 and 2004. Swift joined Criterion in 2005 as a junior programmer before becoming lead VFX programmer for Black and Paradise. Swift next went into core engine technologies before leaving in 2013 to join Lionhead. Swift worked as a lead programmer for Fable Legends before joining the Microsoft Advanced Technology Group as a senior software engineer.
Rajan Tande worked as a lead programmer. Tande joined EA in 1996 and in 1999 became a lead programmer. After two years as technical director for Harry Potter, Tande joined the Burnout team in 2006. After Paradise, Tande moved over to EA Bright Light where he worked until its closure in late 2011. He next moved to Maxis Emeryville in California where he worked until its closure in 2015. Since then, he has been CTO at Magic Fuel Games.
John Twigg worked as a lead programmer. Twigg previously worked at EA Black Box before joining Criterion in 2006. Twigg led the design of the audio software for Paradise before leaving in 2008 to joining BNP Paribas. In 2010 he co-founded Crankcase Audio and has worked for a year or so at companies including United Front Games, Snowball (which he co-founded) and Credit Karma.
David Addis worked as a programmer. Addis worked at Codemasters for a year before joining EA in 2005. On Paradise Addis worked on the HUD and refactoring the system. In 2008 he left and joined Lionhead where he worked until 2012. Since 2013 he has worked as lead UI programmer at Natural Motion. Since 2010 he has also run ESP Games.
Mark Baker worked as a programmer. Baker worked at Sony, Metrowerks, Mucky Foot and Climax before joining Criterion in 2005. Baker worked on tools and workflow for Paradise before leaving in 2008 and joining NCSoft for five months. Later in 2008 he joined Black Rock Studio and worked as a lead programmer on Split/Second. In 2011 Baker joined Mind Candy before returning to EA in 2015 as a technical director for development release engineering.
Peter Bliss worked as a programmer. I’m unable to find much information about Bliss but they seem to still be at Criterion.
Garry Casey worked as a programmer. Casey joined Criterion in 2006. At some point Casey moved over to Ghost Games and last worked as online lead on Need for Speed Payback.
Rob Cowsill worked as a programmer. I’m unable to find much information about Cowsill but it seems like they joined Rebellion in 2009 any maybe currently works at Force Field.
Ken Cropper worked as a programmer. Cropper is still at Criterion, and is currently director of engineering.
Antony Crowther worked as a programmer. Crowther joined the games industry in 1983 and worked at Aligata Software, Mirror Soft, Mindscape, Gremlin Interactive, Infogrames and Genepool before joining EA in 2004. In 2006 Crowther moved to Criterion for a year before returning to EA. Since 2011 Crowther has worked as a technical consultant at Sumo Digital.
Graham Daniell worked as a programmer. I was unable to find much information about Daniell but they seem to be at Rocksteady.
Robert Dodd worked as a programmer. Dodd previously worked at Codemasters before joining Criterion in 2005. In 2008 Dodd joined Supermassive before becoming technical director at Fireproof Games in 2011.
Jon Evripiotis worked as a programmer. Evripiotis worked at Travellers Tales before joining Criterion in 2005. In 2008 he joined Bloomberg as a software engineer.
Martiño Figueroa worked as a programmer. Figueroa joined Criterion in 2005 and worked as an AI and gameplay programmer for Paradise. In 2011 Figueroa left and worked at The Foundry for 10 months before co-founding and becoming director of JFDP Labs in 2012. Since 2015 Figueroa has been director of Madruga Works which released Planetbase.
Rich Geldard worked as a programmer. Geldard joined Criterion in in 2005 and is still with the company as technical director.
Joseph Goodwin worked as a programmer. Goodwin joined Criterion in 2006 and worked on tools, UI and localization for Paradise. Goodwin is still at Criterion as a software engineer.
André Jacobs worked as a programmer. Jacobs previously worked at Fifth Dimensional Technologies, Adreniware, I-Imagine and Climax before joining Criterion in 2006. Jacobs worked on the traffic system for Paradise which was later used in Criterion Need for Speed games. In 2008 he joined Lionhead before joining Bloomberg in 2010. In 2012 Jacobs became lead programmer at Medopad before leaving in 2015 and working a year at ICSA. Since 2010 he has also run Voxel Beast.
Matthew Jones worked as a programmer. Jones previously worked at Terabyte and Infogrames/Atari before joining Criterion in 2006. In 2013 Jones left Criterion and worked JFDP Labs on contract while being self employed. In 2015 he joined Microsoft as a senior software engineer in rendering.
Ian Lambert worked as a programmer. Lambert is still part of Criterion and works on UI and UX.
Ling Lo worked as a programmer. Lo worked out Logica, Coment, Argonaut and Symbian before joining EA in 2005. Lo worked on tools and build for Paradise before moving to Vancouver in 2008 to work with EA Black Box. In 2012 Lo moved to Burnaby and has worked as lead online engineer for the Garden Warfare series.
Phil Maguire worked as a programmer. Maguire joined Criterion in 2005 and worked on Freeburn Challenges, Mugshots and Road Rules for Paradise. After working on autolog and multiplayer for Need for Speed games Maguire because technical director of Criterion in 2013. In 2014 he left and help found Three Fields Entertainment.
Alex Mole worked as a programmer. Mole joined Criterion in 2005 and was lead online programmer for autolog. Mole is currently technical director of Criterion. In 2016 Mole gave a talk at GDC.
Robert Perren worked as a programmer. Perren joined Criterion in 2005 before becoming lead tools and workflow programmer in 2012 at Criterion/Ghost Games. In 2014 he left EA and became technical manager at Falmouth University.
Davide Pirola worked as a programmer. Pirola previously worked at companies including Psygnosis, Steel Monkeys and Kuju Entertainment before joining Criterion in 2005. As part of Criterion, Pirola was the self-described “lowest ranked programmer ever.” Here is Pirola’s description of working at Criterion unedited: “My main duty was playing foosball at their mega bar and basically trying to do as little as possible! I mostly succeeded for almost 5 years, my contribution to their games was very minimal, in fact the worst part of every game they made was probably my code, specially crafted in such a way that was a mess to understand and run, credits go where credits due people… I once tried to write some proper code, I remember, it was a Thursday morning, but then I've changed my mind.” Pirola left in 2010 and is currently “Le Grande Fromage” at JFDP labs.
Gavin Rouse worked as a programmer. Rouse joined Criterion in 2002 and seems to now be at Ghost Games as a senior software engineer.
Andrei Shires worked as a programmer. Shires is still at Criterion and seems to work on front end and UI.
Dave Smeathers worked as a programmer. Smeathers joined Criterion in 2006 after being “forced into making video games to pay off his online poker debts.” On Paradise Smeathers worked on coding physics and coding crashes. Smeathers later became physics lead on Need for Speed Most Wanted before leaving Criterion in 2013 to join Fireproof Games.
James Smith worked as a programmer. Smith worked at Mentor Graphics before joining Criterion in 2003 as an audio programmer. Smith became lead audio programmer before leaving Criterion in 2007 and moving to Canada to work at Black Box. In 2012 he left and joined The Coalition, where he is lead audio programmer.
David Steptoe worked as a programmer. Steptoe joined Criterion in 2002 and later became lead audio programmer. In 2013 he left and joined Escapist Games, before leaving at the end of the year. In 2014 he joined Lionhead where he worked until its closure. Steptoe currently runs Audio Software Development, which he formed in 2016.
Alex Thomson worked as a programmer. Thomson previously worked at Rebellion, Elixir and Kuju before joining Criterion in 2006 as a senior software engineer. He has worked as a technical director and lead software engineer in his time at Criterion.
Alex Veal worked as a programmer. Veal joined Criterion in 2006 as an online software engineer. In 2014 he left Criterion and helped start Three Fields Entertainment
James Warren worked as a programmer. Warren joined Criterion in 2005 as an audio programmer. He currently seems to be at Ghost Games and is audio lead.
Tom Williamson worked as a programmer. Williamson previously worked at The Marketing Bureau before joining Criterion in 1999 as a software engineer. In 2011 he left Criterion and the following year became director at JFDP Labs, where he worked until 2017. In 2012 he also started a company called Threeshinyapples Limited.
Ben Woodhouse worked as a programmer. Woodhouse joined Criterion in 2005 as a graphics programmer. On the Paradise engine, Woodhouse worked on “lighting, shadows, occlusion culling, frustum culling, scene management, and various low-level CPU/SPU jobs used in the rendering pipeline.” At the end of 2009 he left Criterion and joined Lionhead as lead engine programmer. After the closure of Lionhead, he joined Epic where he is currently lead console programmer.
Chris Hegstrom worked as audio lead. Hegstrom previously worked at Stormfront Studios and Lucasarts before joining Criterion in 2005. At the end of 2007 Hegstrom left and joined Sony where he worked on God of War. In 2010 he joined Microsoft as audio director before leaving in 2015 and starting Symmetry Audio. In 2016 he joined Technicolor before joining Amazon in September 2017.
Steve Emney worked as an audio designer. Emney was previously self employed before joining Criterion in 2004. He became audio director at Criterion before joining Disney to work on Split/Second in 2009. After the closure of Black Rock Emney became director of TRC Family Entertainment in 2012 where he worked until 2014. Since 2014 he has worked for eMotion in Sound and since 2015 has worked for The Trailerfarm.
Lewis James worked as an audio designer. James joined Criterion in 2005. In 2008 he moved to EA Montreal until 2011, when he moved to Guerrilla Games. At the end of 2013 he left and became director of Improbable until 2015, when he joined La Indiana Sound.
Zsolt Marx worked as an audio designer. Marx previously worked at Rockstar Vienna before joining Criterion in 2005. In 2008 he started to work on other EA games before leaving the company in 2010 after working on Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Since 2012 he has worked as a producer and lead programmer at Noizoo Games.
Thomas Belmont worked as an additional producer. Belmont previously worked at Ubisoft (first in QA and later as a designer and producer) and Eliad Technologies before joining Criterion in 2006. In 2011 he moved to Vancouver to work on other EA games before leaving in 2014 and becoming a producer for online technologies at Ubisoft.
Nick Channon worked as an additional producer. Channon joined EA in 1996 in Vancouver before moving to the UK in 2000 and joining Criterion in 2006. In 2008 he moved back to Vancouver and is currently senior director of business development at EA.
Neil Kaminski worked as an additional producer. Kaminski previously worked at companies including Bullfrog, Pure and Argonaut before joining Criterion in 2005 as a lead artist. In 2006 he became a producer before leaving in 2008 to become studio art manager at Codemasters in 2008. In 2011 he left and joined Escapist Games before joining Pixel Heroes in 2013. After leaving in 2016, he joined CCP in 2017.
Emily Newton Dunn worked as an additional producer. Dunn previously worked in PR for various companies before joining Criterion in 2005 as a producer. In 2007 Dunn moved to EA and became a game designer before becoming lead game designer at Playfish in 2011. In 2013 she left and after being after a few companies for a few months Dunn joined Another Place in 2014. In 2017 she left and after seven months at Playdiation joined Media Molecule in January 2018 as a consultant system designer.
Anja Haman worked on additional support. Haman previously worked at Radical before joining EA in 2005. In 2007 she left before joining Black Box in 2009-2011. From 2012-2015 Haman worked at Work at Play and has been part of Microsoft since the end of 2017. Since 2000 she has worked as president of Haman Consulting.
Maëlenn Lumineau worked on additional support. Lumineau worked as a translator before joining EA in 2000. In 2007 she joined Criterion as as operations manager before leaving in 2013 and joining Ubisoft as a producer.
Adrian Selby worked on additional support. Selby joined Criterion in 2002 as a producer before leaving in 2009 and becoming a producer at Disney. After 2011 Selby worked at some non-video game companies like BP before joining Boss Alien in 2015.
Harvey Wheaton worked on additional support. Wheaton previously worked at companies including JPMorgan Chase before joining EA in 2003. In 2007 and 2008 he was COO/director of product development at Criterion before joining Supermassive in 2008 as their studio director. At the end of 2013 he left and, after working as a consultant for over a year, joined Codeclan in 2015. In 2017 he became executive producer at Natural Motion.
Graeme Williams worked on additional support. Williams worked at Virtuality, Psygnosis and Rebellion before joining Criterion in 2002 as head of product management. In 2004 he became development director before leaving in 2008. After five months at Supermassive Williams joined VIrtual Toys where he worked until 2011. He next joined Digital Chocolate before joining Ubisoft in 2013. From 2014-2016 he worked at Guerrilla before taking a break and joining Virtually Live in 2017.
Paul Dibden worked as an additional artist. Dibden joined EA in 2005 as a graduate artist before eventually becoming a development director. In 2013 he left and co-founded Milkcap before joining Splash Damage in 2015 as a producer.
John Humphries worked as an additional artist. Humphries previously worked at Bubball before joining EA in 2005. In 2008 Humphries left and joined Realtime Worlds as a lead environmental artist. In 2010 he founded Onyx Digital.
Vincent Jenkins worked as an additional artist. Jenkins joined EA in 2006 as a concept artist before joining Codemasters in 2008, where he worked until 2011. Jenkins has mostly worked as an artist for films, including Rogue One, Game of Thrones and Casino Royale. He last worked on concept art for Solo.
Rasmus Jorgensen worked as an additional artist. Jorgensen joined EA in 2000 as a concept artist before leaving in 2007 to join Codemasters. In 2010 Jorgensen left and spent about a year at Leading Light, Double Negative and Ghost A/S before joining IO in 2014.
Jason Lord worked as an additional artist. Lord joined EA in 1993 and worked as a video director until 2012. In 2012 Lord started Liquid Crimson, which has worked with companies including Square Enix, Supermassive, Hello Games, Microsoft, IGN and Capcom.
Osman Nazlivatan worked as an additional artist. Nazlivatan previously worked freelance and at Argonaut before joining EA in 2004 as a technical artist. In 2007 Nazlivatan left, and after months freelance at Big Head, joined Hotch Potch as lead artist/director. In 2011 Nazlivatan left and after under a year at both Natural Motion and Sony joined King in 2014. In 2016 Nazlivatan left King but I’m unable to find what they’ve done after. Edit: Nazlivatan is still at King
Justin Rae worked as an additional artist. Rae joined EA in 1996 and was lead artist on F.A. Premier Manager games. In 2008 Rae left and became director of art at Supermassive before starting his own company, Studio 96, in 2016.
Peter Reeve worked as an additional artist. Reeve previously worked at a few different companies before joining EA in 2004 as a video editor. In 2008 Reeve joined Black Rock before freelance in 2009 and working with companies including EA and Crytek. He currently works at RMV Productions.
Dean Stolpmann worked as an additional artist. Stolpmann worked as an artist at companies including Frontier and Sony before joining Criterion/EA in 2005. In 2007 Stolpmann joined Outso and Codemasters before joining Supermassive as art director in 2010. Stolpmann joined Gameloft shortly after before becoming head 3D tutor at South Seas Film & TV school in 2013.
Avril Lavigne sang the song “Girlfriend” which was featured in the game. The song released in 2007 and the music video has been viewed over 400 million times. Lavigne also recorded the chorus of the song in 8 different languages.The song also got another version with Lil Mama.

My buddy he comes up to me and he says “Hey what’s your favorite JonTron film?”
And ya knows what I does?
I waltzes right up to him and I looks him square in da eyes and I says to him
Jon: And they said Kratos was the best hero...shish...they got it wrong sister. Hercules is clearly better. He even has a coconut weapon...
Jacques: Jon, I am finally back from Vietnam. LOL.
[JACQUES IS BACK FROM WAR GUYS!]
Jon: Jacques! Come here! I want to show you, I'm playing a game based on my favorite Greek legend, Heracles.
[DISNEY'S TARZAN (For the N64)]
Jacques: I'm glad to see nothing has changed around here.
Jon (singing): Two worlds...one family!
Jacques: Fuck this shit.
Jon (singing, heavily slurred): Son of man, look to the sky!
(Jacques explodes)
Jon: Wait a second, Jacques. I've got it! Hercules went through his 12 trials to become immortal right? Well, I mean, I don't want to stop playing games or doing the things I love to do with you or even making this show!
Jacques: Hasn't stopped you before.
Jon: I want to become immortal, too, Jacques. Just like Hercules! By playing the 12 games of Herc-- ...wait what did you fuckin' just say to me?
(The shot freezes)
KICK IT!
[LET'S START THE PARTY!]
(JonTron Intro)
(Title card)
(Ta-da sound)
Jon: Hercules!
Jon: Greek myths have always been a fascinating subject to me. Tales of treacherous journeys and epic voyages across the sea! Mythological beasts of old and the very fabric of nature itself. They tell of humans...creating larger than life heroes and gods...in their own flawed image. No one is safe from his or her own...hubris.
Jon: So to make an example of my point Imma play a Hercules game on the Commodore 64, it's called Hercules. What a name... I--I guess they didn't have to try back then, it was the 80s, all they had to worry about was Ronald Reagan talking about Gorbachev!
Jon (narrating): More like the Commodore Sixty-Bore! Heh heh, just kidding, it was actually pretty revolutionary.
[The game begins and Jon clicks his fingers to the intro music]
Jon: That's what I call music...
Jon (narrating): Now you know me and everybody's favorite part of Hercules myth was horse, sheep, lion, barn, ... uh... not sure what this is but it fits in, it fits in good.
(The game's story appears)
Jon: Alright, good thing, we got some back story here. Let's begin!
(Jon dies in the game before he even gets a chance to move around, and it goes back to the game's story screen)
(Shows Jon staring blankly with the joystick in his hands)
Jon: ... Oooooooooooh!
Jon (narrating): So yeah, apparently you die instantly if you don't start to move, I'm not fuckin' around, I'm talking like instantly! I mean, what kind of legendary reflexes do they expect people to have? I--I mean at this point they b--barely mastered Galaga! As soon as you die it skips you ahead randomly to the next level or something, so you don't even have a chance to learn what you did wrong in the first place. And before you know it, it's over. What the hell is this shit?
Jon (narrating): This was so jarring to me that I actually had to go online and check if that's the way the game is supposed to be, and it's not just broken. And yeah...that's the way the game is supposed to be. ...Who would do this? Who...would DO THIS?!
Jon (narrating): It's absolutely random, it's like the 1980s version of I Wanna Be the Guy! You jump here, platform turns invisible! Fire! DEAD! You jump there, fire, DEAD!
(Shows multiple shots of Jon dying in the game ending with a scene showing a car exploding from the 1995 film Casino)
Jon (narrating): DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! DEAD!
Jon (narrating): Hey, at least I can get the big sleep, so I don't have to play this game. And I'm not talking about the Salvador Dali painting.
Jon (narrating) Oh yeah, Herc. Climb those ropes. Climb those ropes, baby, so close.
Jon (narrating): Almost at the exit--so close, come on!
(Jon dies)
Jon (narrating): Oh, come on!! I'm done with this.
Jon: Believe it or not, there's actually another Hercules related game on the Commodore 64, It's called Hercules: Slayer of the Damned. I guess they just...(snaps his fingers)...couldn't get enough of that...generic 80s mythos back in the day! What, with the hot pink?!
(Shows Jon holding a cassette tape)
Jon: Whoever heard of a game being on a cassette tape? (flicks the tape) Let's "boot it up", ladies and gentlemen!
(Jon puts the tape in and plays it, and a loud static noise is heard)
[(ACTUAL NOISE IT MADE)]
(Cuts to the gameplay)
Jon (narrating): ...Well, hi there! What are you up to today?
(A skeleton NPC shuffles in)
Jon: Pffffff...what?
Jon (narrating): Well, I gotta say, there is not much to this one... You just--you just sorta beat the shit outta this guy and there's all these things going on in the corners of the screen that I just--I just have no idea what the hell... There's actually other versions of this game on consoles like the ZX Spectrum and the MSX.
(Jon defeats the skeleton NPC)
Jon (narrating): Yeah!
(Another skeleton NPC exactly like the first one shuffles in)
Jon (narrating): Ho ho ho, is that the way you're gonna pla-- No thank you! I'm not dancing this dance today! Or should I say, shuffling this shuffle. NEXT!
Jon: As for some of the early video game industry's more interesting takes on Hercules fable, we have (points to the cartridge)...DFC-HE...It's a--It's a lady...(points to the title in Japanese) I dunno what this is...
Jon (narrating): It's a Famicom RPG, and quite honestly, I could not tell you what the hell's going on in it.
[Called Glory of Heracles!]
This rather unknown series is still going on today on the Nintendo DS, under the same name. Who'd have thought?
Jon: So here's a little known classic for the PS1, Herc's Adventures, and it's all thanks to--
(the audio track cuts out and is replaced with Jon narrating)
'Jon (narrating)': the military industrial complex.
Truth be told, I don't even know where I'm getting all these games from.
Now if we're being strict on mythological canon here, this is actually Hercules. As you can see here, he is the Hercules of legend... they just call him Herc...it counts.
You can also pick from mythological characters Atlanta and Jason. ...IF YOU'RE STUPID! I don't know who'd wanna play these two! One's a...city in Georgia, THE OTHER ONE'S A REGULAR NAME! Nah, I wanna play as Hercules!
(The gameplay starts)
'Jon (narrating)': That sounds just a bit too much like Dan Castelleneta.
Herc: Don't worry. I'm Hercules!
Jon: So it's basically just a Diablo style beat-em-up. It's pretty cool, honestly. One of the better lesser-known games out there for the PS1. The art style's sweet, and the music sounds a near-lawsuit level similar to Star Wars...
(The game's music, suspiciously similar to Star Wars plays)
[EPISODE IV
HERC'S ADVENTURES
At one point in time the creators of Herc's Adventures decided that they did not give a shit. They were like, whatever, I like Star Wars, and so do most people, so why don't we just use the music from that and just change a few notes.
"That's genius, Arthur!" said Milton from the back of the room. The funny thing about this is that Milton has been dead for about 13 years. In fact, it is still a mystery how he knew Arthur's name given that Arthur was a recent tranfer from Montreal.]
(Shows Luke Skywalker on Tatooine gazing at the sunset as Jon narrates over him)
Jon (narrating): ...How'd dat happen?
(Cuts back to the gameplay, where Zeus appears out of a bolt of lightning)
Jon: Ah, not yet, I'm too young!!
Zeus: Ah, good work so far! But you still have a long way to go. Seek out the help of my fellow gods, Hera, Poseidon, Athena, and Dionysus. But be careful!
Jon: Oh yeah? Yeah. Yes. Yep. Gotcha. Fantastic. Unbelievable.
Zeus: Hades has many allies. In fact, there's a couple of hundred of them just up ahead.
Jon: Couple of what of them?
Zeus: Couple of hundred of them.
Jon: Couple of hundred of them?
Zeus: (distorted) COUPLE OF HUNDRED OF THEM just up ahead. So, good luck.
Jon: Thank you.
Zeus: I mean, good luck!
Jon: Thank you...?
Hades: Heheheheheh...I shall defeat you, and then you shall serve me in the land--
Jon: 'Scuse me, Hades, do you think you could speak up a bit?
Hades: You shall serve me in the land of the dead.
Jon (quietly): "You shall serve me in the land of the dead..." That's how he talks.
Jon: Everything here really shines--wait, whas that?
[EAT GYROS TO RESTORE HEALTH!]
(A version of JonTron's theme song plays as Jon gets up)
Jon: The day has come...the news that was sent to change my life...has fallen upon me.
(music abruptly stops)
Jon: Imma be right back.
(Jon sings over a synthpop based ballad)
Jon (singing): He's goin' to get a gyro...although it's technically pronounced yee-ro...Although I still wanna call it a gyro 'cause it sounds cooler!
(Cuts to half of the gyro eaten back at Jon's house)
Ughh!
My stomach!
Cameraman: Dude, are you gonna be all right?
Jon: You shut up--!
Disney's Hercules! Finally, a familiar face. And, hey, this movie has always been one of my favorites. So, let's see what this one has to offer. These games just keep showing up at my house while I'm sleeping, man!
(Title screen)
(Gameplay)
This game is actually freaking awesome! Awesome music, awesome and punchy sound effects, responsive controls, and DANNY DEVITO THAT TALKS TO YOU! KICK IT DANNY!
Danny: Knock 'em, woo woo woo! All right! Rule number 95, kid, concentrate! (Unintelligible) What are you doing? Get your sword!
[ENCOURAGEMENT EXCITEMENT WISDOM ???????????]
Jon (narrating): I'LL GET MY SWOOOOOORD FOR YOU DANNY!!!
(Shows Jon beating up a ragdoll with his sword)
Well, that's...well, that's...well, that's just not right at all I wouldn't think...
The game functions on a 2D plane that usually consists of sprites. It's all very interesting and exciting, and just dang fun to play. I'd have to say it can easily be considered a hidden gem on the PS1. I mean, come on! Just listen to Danny DeVito's conviction.
Danny: (Unintelligible)
Jon: It's a thing of beauty, okay? You hear that guy? You hear the truth in that dialogue? We're all living in the human condition, but he's speaking it.
I mean, after something like this it couldn't get any better, right? It's tops! We had fun! We're at ecstasy. Wrong! Game Boy version's a piece of shit! Have a look for yourself. I'm sure it'll be an enriching experience.
(The game loads up, and the story flashes on the screen)
[HERCULES! LOOK FOR BONUSES IN THE TREES!]
Jon: Now listen to me, if everyone was critical of everything all the time the world would be a dull place. So let's start with the positives: at least it gave me a milliseconds preview of the game before shovin' a hint in my fuckin' face! Hercules, look for bonuses in the trees. What does that mean, dude? Hm, if there was ever anything to give me the goose pimples, it's probably that. Now, that's just weird! That's like starting a game off being like, "Hercules, remember the scent of mother!" Like, what the fuck, dude?? I'm receptive, don't start me off like that, ease me into this shit! Ohkay? Don't just start off gunhoe, don't play your royal flush right away! I always save a royal flush when playing poker, the...the...the thing is don't play poker with me.
Oh my god, that music. That sounds nothing like Disney's Hercules! That doesn't even sound like it could go in the special features on the DVD. It's just one of those songs that drones on and on and on! Perfectly complementing the gameplay I might add. And these hints just keep popping up! Hercules, beware of fireballs. Hercules, beware of spite and jealousy! This game is pure action. I'm not--this game is so much action that if there was a war to protest, this game will be there in Time Square picketing before the feminists got there.
That looks more like Luke Skywalker than Disney's fuckin' Hercules. He does some weird run if you mess around with the buttons. I don't know what it does though.
This game is an ungodly amount of hard. One fuck-up and you're dead. And back to the beginning. Love it. I mean, come on! How do I get on this vine? I am inching...so slowly, and I CAN'T...I CAN'T GET IT! Oh, I see, you gotta do this bullshit to get it. Of course... Good luck landing that. This game is clearly meant to be an acrobatic platformer, as you can see. Well, while we're here we might as well rave about it!
(Footage of the gameplay plays with rave music in the background)
Jon: I gotta to say though, It's kinda cool when he swings his sword...feels like there's some real weight to it.
Now that would be all there is to say about the Disney Hercules games, but there's one last strange addition to this collection. Hercules 2 for the Sega Genesis? Okay, that's right. There's a pirated version of the PS1 edition for the Sega Genesis. Called...Hercules 2. That sure makes a lot of sense.
(Cuts to a kid playing Call of Duty)
Jon: Where was Hercules 1 exactly? Someone fill me in on this?
[Snapping sound plays]
Jon: Also, what's with the snapping? Did you mean to use this sound effect, guys?
[Ringing sound plays]
Jon: This game is really odd. It uses a lot of the same sound bites only incredibly bit crushed.
[GAMEPLAY!]
Jon: Yeah, no. I'm not gonna... I'm not gonna do this. Hercules does what Nintendercules.
Alright, last on our list! Hercules: The Legendary Journeys. You know, like the TV show. With Arnold Schwarzenegger. Or whoever the fuck that was. Fabio? Albert Pacino? Fonzie? The fact that there's a game of this verifies that someone out there hates me. Hercules TV edition! God, this menu music makes me feel like I'm about to embark on an educational adventure or something. I'm not knocking that. Cause I wanna do that. So I hope that's what's going to happen.
Jon imitating Carl Sagan: The brain is made up of billions and billions of neurons.
Jon: Stay a while, friend, and I will tell you an epic tale. Yes, mm, I'm buying it. Clearly, that is the gait of a man who has an epic tale to tell. Blah blah. Blah blah! Okay, probably something about Dracula or werewolves. Let's do this hoopderscotch! Good morning, Hercules. It is time to train! Follow me outside so that we may begin. I don't feel... I don't feel like I'm being treated appropriately here. Hm, there's something about this game that seems eerily familiar, isn't it? But I can't put my finger on it. Hmm. What is it? The blue action button? The chicken cooing? That forest like and cozy opening? That- holy shit! Teleportin' centaur! Shoulda called it the Legend of Hercules: Ocarina of time if you catch my cold! Achoo!
Seriously, this game's introduction is merely identical to Ocarina of Time. It's like they just want to get my pavlovian goin'. My pavlov. Hey, I'm sold. I need you to clear these rocks out of this field for me, Hercules. Riveting. I mean, honestly. You get the deadliest and strongest demigod on the planet and this is what you use him for. This is his best application? Well, I mean, yeah... Who else could pick up rocks that big? Your sister? Sister can't do it. You know as far as a licensed game with an I.P. this mundane, it's really not that bad. Kind of impressive in scale. Although, ultimately, it's nothing I'd write home about.
[Except for this part...]
Jon: But let's be honest. Bring down the mic! The best thing about this game is the over powered-ass pause sound!
[PAUSE FX]
Jon: Also there's actually a Game Boy version of this one. Let's have a look at it. That's the box art? I don't think that's Kevin Sorbo at all.
[Loud, ear splitting "music"]
Jon: Ah...Ow...
Jacques: Owowowow wowowow. Jacques explodes
Jon: So the first thing you'll notice about this magnificent work of art is the score. Or should I say the knives running up and down rusty garbage bins. That's probably closer. This hurts my ears so bad! It needs to stop!
[HLPME]
Jon: It's like a mix between a fever dream and the Insane Clown Posse. Oh, man, looks like Hercules has been eating one too many ambrosias. Heheheh you know what I'm sayin'? His walk cycle is amazing. I can't get enough of it. He looks like Eric Cartman trying to cut a jig.
[Jon dances around trying to impersonate Hercules' walking]
Jon: Unlike the N64 version, this version is more like an RPG. It makes this annoying sound every time you talk to someone.
[boop and bop noises that sound like a 1980's computer]
Jon: Like world is coming to an end or something. "I only speak to sailors." Well, if that's the case, you'll probably pretty much limiting yourself to port towns, honestly, and even then they're out to sea most of the time. Why aren't you on a boat? A boat would really be a better fit for you. Also, what the fu... who says that? The fisherman also only talks to sailors. Okay, well, at least that one makes some sense. The stroller also only talks to sailors. Okay, first of all, what kind of an occupation is stroller? What kind of town is this? How did anyone even learn speech if everyone talks to sailors and there ain't no sailors 'round town?! Well, I guess if being a sailor is what it takes to be validated around here I might as well take to the streets and give it my all.
[Hercules falls into the water and drowns instantly]
Jon: Ohohoh my god! He didn't stand a chance! Poor hunk of a bastard sunk like a brick. Huh. Well, this sweet old lady seems kind enough. Maybe, I'll finally get a hint about what to do around here. Don't stay here. I might hurt you. Lady, you gotta work on that anger. I'm sorry to have imposed on you, madam. Good thing we're not in Florida or this may have really turned ugly. Leave me alone. Can't you see that I am busy. Oh, don't you worry, Eury. It's plain for all to see. Also, I think it's prudent to point out that it's actually Mr. Eurydice who's the busy one. Busy, busy, busy. He can't even be bothered to clean up the dead cat, he's so preoccupied! The cat's dead, dude, you can't just leave something like this laying around. You gotta step up. You gotta be a man. Get rid of this. Put it in the trash. You can't be jerkin' responsibility.
Now I've played a lot of RPGs in my day, and I gotta say hand down this one has to have the most stand off-ish NPCs ever! I don't think even one of these people is happy to see you. They might as well not be there at all. Hey guys! I don't think you should be so rude to Hercules! He's the son of Zues! Also, he can kill you real easily. I think that's the main thing. All right, well, if I can't find any help outside maybe I'll find some help inside.
"Get out of our home."
[Jon laughs and facepalms]
Jon: Well, yeah. I mean, I suppose that's right. I think anything from that would be deviating from the norm.
[Jon throws his arms up into the air, gets a bottle of pills and swallows them all]
Jon (internal voice): I didn't really want to become immortal that much anyways. Too much hard work.
[He then drinks a bottle of vodka] [Dear Kids: Please don't kill yourselves then sue me.]
Jon (internal voice): We gotta watch people going in and out of the White House for the rest of the time. No thanks, Samuel.
[POOP]
Then he stares roight back at me and he says “swood”

Hello,
I am not sure if this is a good place to search for this in all honesty so if you could point me in the right direction that'd be great.
A little bit about myself :
My name is Joel and i'm 21 years old. I have big ambitions in life and a passion for all games in general but mostly poker right now, i have been fending for myself since I've been around sixteen as the owner of a business that's gaming related. (Carries in video games such as World of Warcraft & League of Legends) I have been playing Poker for around 1.5 years or so studying & watching videos daily putting in insane amount of hours. I'd like to think i'm a smart individual that adapts quickly and i have shown to be a winning poker player in the recent past. It was also confirmed by other individuals that were objective. (Not my friends basically) Having bills to pay and business dying down i can't currently allocate a bankroll specifically for Poker as of right now which brings me here to ask for a Staking deal.
I would be playing live poker @ Playground Poker Club & Montreal's Casino both located close to where i currently reside. Having played video games professionally in the past my mental stamina is quite good and i can put in tons of hours without any issues. (8-16 hours 5 to 7 days a week) I play both Cash Games & Tournaments however i am open to playing only one of the two if that's what you'd like me to do and i will do my best to accommodate any demands you may have. Give you daily updates and keep track of everything that is won/lost in a spreadsheet that you have access to etc.
If you are interested and would like to chat more regarding this you can reply on this post or you can PM me no problem. (PS : I have no problems showing results in private)
Thank you.
Joel,

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